France Is Famous For Two Things: The Whine & Cheese

There are people who laugh at me for my attitude about France, but I know better:

"The truth may be that France is a country much like our own, with food that can be nice or nasty, children who may be brattish or mannerly and women who sometimes look tres chic and sometimes don’t. What’s more, she points out, the French way of life - ‘formal, hierarchical, state-controlled and prescriptive - is diametrically opposed to the individualism ... that lies at the heart of Anglo-Saxon society’."

You goddamned right. I can't breathe there. Look at those words again - "formal, hierarchical, state-controlled and prescriptive" - baby, that ain't me. It ain't y'all either. It ain't free. You make kind of cute, but the day-to-day would kill you, it's so poisonous and boring.

"I’m sitting drunk on absinthe in the George V, one of the classiest hotels in the burg, having made my way clear across the pond to catch Les Variations, who have by now become my fast friends even though I still haven’t seen ‘em live and don’t much like their album, on their home turf. Paris would be a great city if you’d get rid of all the people, who are the deadest, coldest, glummest, most maudlin clot of sad sacks I have ever witnessed in one place in my life. I had heard of their legendary hostility and anti-Americanism, and was hoping at least for a wine bottle upside the head and “Vietnam war pig!,” but no such luck. Instead we visit all the old and legendary avant-garde watering holes, La Coupole, Café Flore, and they’re full of drab and beaten souls who’re whiling away the days with sullenly intense discussions of the comparative merits of Samuel Beckett and Robbe-Grillet. We’re at Café Flore and I ask Alain, “How come everybody here is so gloomy?” 

“It's a gay bar,” he says. 

I see, that makes sense, that all the old avant-garde watering holes would turn into places where old faggots hang out, except that it's more than that, it's the French sense of clammily melodramatic gloom and defeat which comes from, among other excuses, taking it up the ass in two successive world wars."

But it's more than that. Look at this stupid question-and-answer session:

"So why are tourists flocking to France but unwilling to part with their cash once they get there? 

Partially it's because France tends to be a short-stay location: Europeans head to Paris for a weekend; visitors from further afield combine a visit to the city with other European capitals, devoting a few days to each. 

Pinel, the tourism minister, says that one way to get tourists spending more money and time in France is to draw them to other parts of the country -- and persuade regions to work together as partners, not competitors. 

"Because we see regions or territories that compete to promote themselves internationally, but the goal is to have several territories that are promoted, so they can all benefit with longer visits," Pinel said in an interview with The Associated Press. "Our special difficulty is that we're a country that is visited, notably the Ile-de-France region (around the capital) and Paris, but has trouble capturing visitors for a long time in other regions." 

But the crowds of tourists descending on Paris are also part of the problem. 

"It's sometimes a bit difficult to marry the Parisians with their 30 million tourists," says Audrey Epeche, who works in the office of Jean-Bernard Bros, the deputy mayor in charge of tourism, in an attempt to explain the city's reputation for rudeness."

It's all bullshit. Sure, the french need an ass kicking, but that's not why people aren't spending money. The answer is simple - here's a hint:

"France's Socialist government has vowed to change this."

Right - people who hate capitalism are going to make it easy to spend money. 

Uh-huh. Sure, tell me another one.

I tell you, that place is one of the Seven Circles of Hell,...