Adulthood: Just Like I Always Imagined

So I'm reading a San Francisco Chronicle article about Stanford University's current studies on "Healing Touch," and I'm struck by how it never mentions it's connections to cultism, or that a 9-year old girl, Emily Rosa (above) has already done the defining experiment on the issue, which (cough) proved those (cough) particularly touchy people (cough) don't possess the abilities (cough) they claim to have. (cough, cough, cough.)

Maybe it's just me, but I'd think when a reporter - forget a reporter: any adult - witnessed a scene like this one, described below, he (or she) would have much more to consider than just delivering the story straight:

"Broderick begins sessions by holding a crystal (although she said a 'lifesaver on a string' would work just as well) 4 inches above Li and watches it circle over the seven chakras - energy vortices - that run along the length of the body. Clockwise is a good sign. No movement or one that's counterclockwise means the person could use some help getting healthy energy flow, she says."

Am I right? Reporters, and (more importantly) their San Francisco Chronicle editors, can't just think holding a lifesaver over someone's back is a credible demonstration of modern medicine at work, can they? And if so, shouldn't they be talking to teddy bears, in a psych clinic or something? I am so confused,...

Here's another question: culturally speaking, which is more interesting: Madonna's new record, or the fact she seriously wanted to use Kabbalah water to dispose of nuclear waste?

"'I can write the greatest songs, make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point? said Madonna."

That's what I - and my best friend, Ghengis Khan - have said all of our lives: when there isn't a world to conquer, what is the damn point?

Janice Peck, an associate professor of mass communication at the University of Colorado, and the author of “The Age of Oprah,” is quoted in the New York Times as saying:

"[Oprah] is endorsing a kind of spirituality that can be offensive to traditional Christians.”

So - for those of you watching the Oh-lympics at home - that's a perfect score for the team of Oh-prah Winfrey, Oh-sama bin Laden, and the post-Jeremiah Wright Barack Oh-bama.

Oh-My-God.

And I'm sure you didn't know that after Diane Vera wrote her groundbreaking paper, Satanism and the History of Wicca, she "moved on towards promoting some form of 'theistic Satanism' - devil worship, in other words – which can accept animal sacrifice and such."

Yea: "and such." That's the part that always throws you,...

And you also probably missed the San Franciscans who want you to Save The Planet "stumbling around, hammered. Peeing. Women with their boobs hanging out. Staggering around Balboa and 31st waiting for a bus to take them home."

They were the perfect stewards of our salvation, one and all.