A Global Waste Of Skin: The Art Of Irrelevancy

Before

After

She already boasts a fake tan and DD-cup breasts, so you would be forgiven for thinking Danielle Lloyd had had some sort of procedure on her newly plumped up lips.

But while the former WAG was definitely displaying a fuller pout than normal, her spokesman insists she has not been under the knife.

Rather, her trout pout is all down to a lip plumping gloss that comes straight out of a bottle.

A spokesman for the 25-year-old said: ‘Danielle hasn’t had any work done. She’s just used a lip-tingling lip gloss which makes lips look plumper.

‘It has chilli [sic] in it, and just encourages the lips to look fuller.’

--The Daily Mail

Rule of thumb: When your mouth is closed and your lips don’t meet, there’s no point in lying.

Anyway, all that lip excitement made us wonder why this penis holster is a celebrity of any kind.

Then we remembered – she’s British! Now for whatever sad reason, the Brits have this desperate need to have celebrities, and they choose them without any criteria whatsoever.

WAGs, footballers, weather readers, game show hosts, news readers, “presenters” (whatever the hell that is), women with eight and a half kids by nine husbands – the list is endless.

In fact, the bigger the piece of dirt, the bigger the celebrity. If a small pile of dog crap was photographed banging a small pile of cat crap under a mailbox on a London street corner, POOF, instant celebrity. Daily Mail here we come.

And then there will be commenters who will write “such a lovely couple. They seem quite content together and we shouldn’t judge”.

And if you make it to WAG status, you’d be more popular than a surprise paranormal concert where Elvis opens for The Beatles.

In case you forgot, a WAG is a woman who bangs “footballers” for a living (WAG = Wives And Girlfriends” of “footballers”).

To make sure we haven’t overlooked any of Lloyd’s accomplishments, we took a glance at her Wikipedia page. Here’s a small sampling:

*Lloyd claims she was bullied in school; however, Chris Yates, the headmaster of one of Lloyd's old schools, St Hilda’s, said, "There's no recollection of her ever being persecuted, she is lying and no teacher can ever recall any incidents where Danielle was bullied. In fact I’ve been led to believe by her former friends that the opposite is true."

* The former Miss England 2004 and Miss Great Britain 2006 first rose to prominence when she was stripped of her Miss Great Britain 2006 title after posing for nude pictures featured in the December 2006 edition of Playboy magazine and her alleged affair with one of the pageant's judges, her then-boyfriend, footballer Teddy Sheringham.

* As a participant in the 2007 series of Celebrity Big Brother, Lloyd, along with others, were accused of using bullying tactics and making serious racist comments directed against the Indian actress Shilpa Shetty, telling Miss Shetty that she should "fuck off home".

* Lloyd has continued her non-modelling [sic] career as a professional "celebrity for hire”.

The fun continues:

Danielle Lloyd has revealed that she will be writing her autobiography. The book will be a tell-all account of her public love life.

Lloyd's former lovers include footballers Teddy Sheringham, Jermain Defoe, Marcus Bent, Peter André and F1 champion Lewis Hamilton.

The Daily Star says that Danielle will "spill the beans of the stars" and that "Many [football] players are dreading this book"

Lloyd, 25, is apparently at the centre of a bidding war between publishers for her "X-rated autobiography", which is scheduled for release in October.

There’s a saying that for every rat you see, there’s fifty you don’t.

She’s only 25 and well on her way to beating Madonna’s record of the person who has eaten the most sperm in the history of history. Unless Paris Hilton beats her to it.

Our thanks to the Brits for their high standards, and to the public everywhere for providing this gutter slut with all the money she can use.

You know who you are. We’ll find you.