Dumbest. Satanist. Ever.

"Often, after victories, athletes like to take a moment to thank God, Jesus, or even the occasional shout out to Allah. But one NMU hockey player stirred up controversy after thanking Our Dark Lord Satan.

Melvin Schwarz, a sophomore wood technology major and forward for the Wildcats, thanked Satan for imbuing him with 'the strength of the Dark Prince himself.' Schwarz has been a self professed Satanist for the past three weeks. According to Schwarz, the conversion has not affected his game play, except for the occasional possession.

'As a Satanic-American, I'm entitled to all the rights that Christians are,' said Schwarz.

Schwarz scored three goals in his last game before being ejected for wearing unlicensed horn-shaped implements on his helmet. He spent most of his penalty time using a Ouija board in the box in a vain attempt to contact Wayne Gretzky - who Shwarz erroniously assumed was deceased."

-- Lucifer Jones, who must have known he has a great name for this story, in The North Wind.