NewAge Talent Gwyneth Paltrow: “I Can Make A Queef Speak”

I fear that shampoo gives cancer to children': Experts fury at Gwyneth Paltrow's 'loopy' health claims

-– Headline from the Daily Mail.

[We just can’t seem to get it through our thick skulls that the path to advanced biology, physiology and medical degrees requires a long stint as a half-assed actor and useless, mostly unemployed yet highly paid celebrity. Hats off to Dr. Gwyneth Goop for her lifelong studies and research.]

Gwyneth Paltrow has been branded ‘loopy’ by scientists after warning that products such as shampoo could be linked to cancer.

The actress and wife of Coldplay singer Chris Martin says she was ‘seized with fear’ after reading research about what she calls ‘environmental toxins’ – chemicals which are present in everyday items.

Miss Paltrow, who won an Oscar for her role in Shakespeare In Love, said children were unable to easily break down toxins and claimed the number of children getting cancer and autism was growing ‘exponentially’.

Leading bacteriologist Professor Hugh Pennington described her claims as ‘rubbish’ and ‘loopy’.

And Cancer Research UK said the number of children with cancer had not changed in the past ten years and there was no known environmental cause for the disease.

Miss Paltrow, 36, has embraced an alternative lifestyle, raising her children, Apple and Moses, on a macrobiotic diet which excludes foods such as cheese and white flour in favour of grains, vegetables and beans.

She made the claims on her website goop.com, where she usually airs her views on her favourite restaurants and organic food recipes.

She said: ‘A couple of years ago I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children. While reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear about what the research said.

‘Foetuses, infants and toddlers are basically unable to metabolize toxins the way that adults are, and we are constantly filling our environments with chemicals that may or may not be safe.

‘The research is troubling; the incidence of diseases in children such as asthma, cancer and autism have shot up exponentially and many children we all know and love have been diagnosed with developmental issues like ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder].’…

[She gets her information from a campaigner, and not just any ol’ campaigner, her’s came up with this:]

Miss Paltrow also cites campaigner Christopher Gavigan, saying: ‘Ever read the chemical ingredients list on your shampoo or lotion?

'Not an easy task. Sixty per cent of what goes on the skin is absorb [sic] into the body – so avoiding chemicals here is super important, especially for pregnant moms.’

[Gavigan is a dickhead. If the shampoo ingredients threw him for a loop, then listing the water as ‘di-Hydrogen Mono-Oxide’ no doubt would have driven him to put a gun in his mouth.

And now – HOLY SHIT !– If sixty per cent of what goes on the skin is absorbed, life as we know it would not exist. The function of skin, the body’s largest organ, is to keep your stuff inside, and outside stuff outside. And if sixty per cent can get in, sixty percent of your humanity would also leak out. Every morning when you woke up the sheets would be a mess.

The only people more stupid than this cretin are those that listen to him. Sorry Dr. Goop.]

The actress’s suggestions of a possible link between chemicals and cancer were rubbished by scientists.

Professor Pennington, emeritus professor of bacteriology at Aberdeen University, said: ‘It’s a load of nonsense. Shampoo is perfectly safe, unless you drink it in large quantities.’

The professor, who advises the Government’s Food Standards Agency and was chairman of an inquiry into an outbreak of e.coli in 1996, added: ‘There has been an obsession about carcinogenic chemicals for years and we have been successful in getting rid of most of them.

‘It does annoy me when celebrities use their position to spout nonsense. They have a perfect right to their views, even if they are loopy, but they do hold a position of influence. You may as well ask someone on the Underground.’

Cancer Research UK said there was no evidence to support Miss Paltrow’s claim that childhood cancer rates had increased ‘exponentially’.

We’ve done some research of our own and we can now share the results with Goop, Jenny McCarthy and a host of others:

As evidenced by our graph, a leading cause of public stupidity is being a fan of celebrities.

The graph depicts the central Sphere of Idiocy and how various professions overlap it. You may notice celebrity is the only category fully within the Sphere.

Furthermore, our research proves beyond question there is massive idiocy amongst those who give a rats ass about moronic celebrities.

We thought you should know.