Madonna's Rocky Romances

Here are some highlights from Madonna's romantic past:

1977—While still living in Michigan, a teenaged Madonna has a brief affair with a young pizza delivery driver—the last time she would do anything spontaneous and uncalculated.

1985—Madonna's tumultuous love affair with noted Keynesian economist John Kenneth Galbraith finally ends after a loud public spat about the merits of heterodox institutional economics.

1987—Madonna makes Emo Philips a man.

1990—In a move that divides feminists, Madonna gives hand jobs to the first two rows of the audience at a Madrid concert during her Blond Ambition tour

1991—A disappointed Jose Canseco ends his relationship with Madonna after discovering that the pop star's breasts are not as conical as he was led to believe.

1996—Personal trainer Carlos Leon is summoned to Madonna's bedchamber, where he impregnates her with future daughter Lourdes before being immediately returned to the gyms of New York.

1998—Despite three or four very pleasant dates, things just never really click between Madonna and Omaha-based systems analyst Sam Biederman.

2004—Guy Ritchie and Madonna agree to separate as soon as Madonna has time.

The Onion

It's Out: Madonna's A Typical NewAge Whore

"Jose Canseco says Madonna not only wanted to hop into bed with him - she wanted his baby.

The former Yankee slugger told Us magazine Madge wanted some of "his genes" so she could give birth to a Cuban sibling for Lourdes, her daughter with fitness trainer Carlos Leon.

"She had a Cuban child and wanted another one," said Canseco, 44, who helped blow the lid off baseball's steroid controversy. "She wanted to get married and have a child with me."

"I'm Cuban, 6-foot-3, athletic, built," said Canseco, who has also weighed in on Madonna's relationship with Alex Rodriguez.

Canseco said A-Rod's infatuation with the singer was another example of him going after his women - he has accused the big-bucks bat man of hitting on his former wife, Esther, while they were still married.

Canseco says he first met the Material Girl in 1991 at her home in Los Angeles, and she quickly moved into seductress mode.

Madonna played Canseco a masturbation scene from her "Truth Or Dare" movie on the TV, then started smooching him.

But the buff ballplayer balked, telling Madonna he was trying to work things out with his wife.

"She said, 'I have lots of money. Don't worry about that,' " Canseco recalled. "I had to leave at that point so I got up and left."

Canseco says she always thought she could talk him into the sack someday.

"I think she thought she could persuade me or seduce me over time," he told the magazine.”

-- David Goldiner, spilling all the NewAge beans, for New York's Daily News.