Girl With "Face Of A Dog" Adopts African Baby

"We reported last month that Madonna had suggested that Barack Obama could be helped by the wisdom of the Kabbalah in making tough decisions during his presidency, particularly in regards to seeking world peace and unifying the nation, according to unconfirmed reports.  Now Madonna has allegedly claimed that Obama's presidency was foretold by the mystical writings of the Kabbalah. 

Associates of Madonna within the Kabbalah community have observed that according to the Zohar, one of the holiest books of the Kabbalah movement, in the final days a good leader will rise and battle evil, this leader will come from a humble background that no-one would suspect would produce such greatness. The biblical verse 'The rejected stone will become the cornerstone' is said to possibly refer to the fact that Obama was born at a time when African-Americans couldn't even eat at the same restaurants as white people: yet Obama has risen to be President-elect.

Furthermore, according to sources well versed in the teachings of the Kabbalah, It is predicted that this good leader will have to do battle with an evil leader who is described as having 'The face of a dog'. Some Kabbalah Centre associates report that there have been jokes between themselves and the material girl that this might refer to Sarah Palin describing herself as a 'Pit-bull with lipstick'. The good leader will eventually bring world peace and usher in a messianic era of enhanced spiritual awareness but only after defeating the evil leader."

-- The All News Web

Has A-Rod Got A-Clue (He's Becoming A-Hole)?

"I’ve been pretty critical toward Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez for awhile now. He cheated on his wife, continually failed in the playoffs, and had his agent announce his opting out of a contract during the eighth inning of The World Series. But things have been turning around lately. He spent Thanksgiving with his kids and now he’s ditched out on the Kabbalah classes Madonna was making him go to.

Here’s the thing about Kabbalah: it’s fucking idiotic, new age bullshit hippy psychobabble for hapless buffoons unable to deal with their own lives. If you don’t believe me, read the nonsensical ball of mysticism known as the Zohar. If balderdash and poppycock had a baby, it wouldn’t be half as chock-full of moonshine rubbish as that how-to guide for rubes.

According to MSNBC, A-Rod was photographed with Kabbalah spiritual leader Eitan Yardeni recently but cancelled all of his private classes. Good. No woman in the world is worth exposing yourself to this self-help sodomy."

-- Mack Rawden, noticing the connection between Madonna's mysticism and mayhem, and putting in the Celebrity Blend.