Don't Let The Green Grass Fool Ya (I'm A Rocket Man)

HEY, I SAW THAT, AND THEN THIS HAPPENED - ISN'T THAT REMARKABLE? 

 Chasing Coincidences - Statistics: 

Why it’s hard to recognize the unlikely.

IT'S BECOMING AS NORMAL AS PACKING A LUNCH FOR SCHOOL:

Loving mum who ‘became obsessed with religion’ slits son’s throat to release ‘demons’

ARE WE EVER SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING?

Are We Serious About Education?

YOU WOULD CRY TOO IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU:

Climate scientists must not advocate particular policies

Hear The Crowd Roar After A Pitcher Dinged A-Rod, Twice, For Cheating

"The Corrections" Isn't Just A Book Title, You Know?

If everyone caught lying was treated like this, we'd be a much better country by now:

"The boo-birds came out in force again Tuesday for Alex Rodriguez. 

But then something different — a swelling of cheers from the crowd in Chicago. 

The fans let out a healthy roar after A-Rod was grazed on the elbow by a Chris Sale pitch in the third inning."

Or how about this baller:

"Before the debate, Weiner put a hand on McDonald's back and said hello, prompting McDonald to reply: 'I would appreciate if you would never touch me again.'"

Barack Obama, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Mitt Romney, Oprah Winfrey, Glenn Reynolds, Ann Althouse - the potential list of targets goes on:

Really - when it comes to how society currently functions - what we need is a little more shame:

Can you imagine all the "upscale subversives" we'd be done with?

Big Minge Keeps On Minge-ing

Much like with Obama, some Minge supporters are waking up to the reality of what they used to defend.

Here's one now:

A recently divorced, 50-year-old single mum of three with a consuming full-time job, dodgy love life and wacky religion is not likely to be top of anyone's list to adopt a child.

Unless her name is Madonna, that is. The Queen of Pop tends to get what she wants.

On this occasion, she wants to take home a little princess from Malawi on Saturday in her private jet.

Adorable four-year-old Mercy James has been picked as the perfect accessory, oops, sister, for David Banda, whom the star adopted two years ago.

Back then, I wrote a passionate defence of Madonna's right to rescue a motherless child from one of the poorest countries in Africa.

Above all, I trusted Madonna to be a good mother and to put her adopted son first. Well, today I am feeling sadly disillusioned, not to mention a bit of an idiot.

Since she adopted David Banda, he has lost not one daddy, but two. His adoptive father, Guy Ritchie, to whom the little boy is devoted, now lives on the other side of the Atlantic and they hardly see each other.

Madonna, who is legendary for striking the right pose, convinced David's natural father, Yohane, that his son would have a happy, stable family life with two committed parents.

She failed to mention the possibility of a bitter divorce, a baseball player and a toyboy model called Jesus.

By giving his son to the famous white lady, Yohane was hoping to save him from the lethal African disease of poverty.

How cruelly ironic that, with Madonna as his mother, the boy has come into contact with the West's own contagion of selfishness and 'personal fulfilment'.

'David is only three years old and already he has been through so much. I don't think God meant it to be like this,' says Yohane.

Indeed. But how can the Almighty hope to compete with the despotic rule of Her Divine Madj (estimated fortune: £300 million) as she mysteriously silences dubious relatives and starstruck African court officials?

When parents are splitting up, they generally make every effort to keep the childcare stable.

Not Madonna. Recently, she dismissed David's Australian nanny. Angela Jacobsen had complained on her Facebook page that she couldn't 'take any more s**t'. With Madonna so often on tour, Angela must have provided a precious fixed point in the little Malawian boy's rapidly changing existence. Yet, after handing in her notice, she was reportedly given just a few hours to get out.

When the Madonna Show is on the road no little baby, no vulnerable child, or indeed African country, is allowed to get in the way. It's a pretty disgusting spectacle.

Now it is Mercy's turn to be signed, sealed and delivered. Despite angry objections from charities, the four-year-old is Madonna's latest must-have item.

But, unlike David Banda, Mercy is no longer a baby. Quite how she is going to make the transition from dirt-poor Christian orphanage to macrobiotic kabbalah penthouse is unclear.

Save The Children has said Madonna's conduct verges on 'a puppy parade' and pointed out that rich people like her are only looking for a beautiful child.

Frankly, I do wonder what will become of delicious tots like David and Mercy if they grow into tricky, plain teenagers who don't quite go with the designer lifestyle.

Perhaps most disturbing of all is the sense that there is something racist about this traffic in angelic black children. Somehow Africans aren't allowed to answer back. Their protests and objections carry less weight.

If she chose to, Madonna could pay for half of Malawi's Aids orphans to go to school. Or she could put her extraordinary charisma behind the White Ribbon Alliance, the admirable charity supported by Sarah Brown which campaigns to reduce unnecessary maternal deaths in childbirth.

This is exactly how David Banda lost his original mother. What a remarkable gift to her son that would be.

Instead Madonna chooses to wrench another child out of their environment to act as a prop in her ongoing mid-life crisis and to make herself look good.

All I can say is, may the Lord have mercy upon Mercy.

Allison Pearson – Daily Mail

The Haunting

At first, A-Rod thought it was just the Scientologists coming to recruit him – but why the recurring nightmares?

Then he realized…there was something very different about theses masks…

“Are You My Mommy?"

Not recognizing her until it was an instant too late, Dim-Rod gets some serious stink-eye for asking his traditional question. It was reported that he promptly wet himself.

Meanwhile, mutual friend Minge was nowhere to be found. Sources say she was busy giving group tours of her vagina.

Dim-Rod Awkwardly Practices Clapping After Learning How By Watching Children On Bozo Reruns

Dim-Rod, having tanked his season, tanked his wife, tanked his children, tanked his teammates and fans with his steroid use and lies, has now been found to have been addicted to a whore (other than Minge).

If you ever wanted to know what a special kind of stupid looks like, here it is:

Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez was more than a customer of Kristin Davis' high-priced prostitution ring -- he dated the former Manhattan madam too, according to an explosive report.

In June 2006, Rodriguez allegedly became a regular of one of Davis' agencies soon after meeting her a gym, two former call girls told the New York Daily News.

A-Rod, then-married, had asked Davis "what she was doing" the first time they met, the anonymous sources said.

Davis, who has claimed Eliot Spitzer as a client, was about to go out with a boyfriend. She gave Rodriguez a card that he later used to book a two-hour "date" with a prostitute, The News reported.

But Rodriguez really pined for Davis and would court her with flowers and jewelery, the sources said. On one email he wrote that he was "addicted" to her, they said.

Eventually, Davis relented and the two briefly dated -- free of charge, according to the sources…

DANIEL MACHT, NBC

When pressed further about his steroid use, Dim-Rod claimed he got the idea from Minge:

“Minge injects steroids into her labia, and she can pick me up like a quarter, so I thought…”

Dim-Rod then wandered off to his habit of walking the streets asking random women “Are you my mommy?”

If You Ever Wonder Why We Call Him “Dim-Rod”…

The above is an actual photo of Dim-Rod kissing himself in the mirror, published in Details Magazine.

He also poses for photographs kissing his image in a mirror, and lying on a bare mattress gazing at himself in said mirror while stretching.

Alex Rodriguez blamed the Internet and phones for some of his personal travails in his Details interview. FOX News

Well call us old-fashioned, Dim-Rod, but we would have guessed it was your behavior that caused your travails.

Perfect Madonna Bait.

Stand For Nothing, Fall For Anything

Daily Mail:

"It has been reported that Luz is so smitten by the Material Girl that he has switched to her mysterious Kabbalah faith, despite being a strict Catholic, and has joined an online community for Kabbalah believers.

He has even updated his own website updating friends about the move.

A source told the Daily Mirror: 'Jesus's family are very traditional and quite religious so this news is sure to come as something of a shock.

'But Jesus is totally taken with Madonna and is slightly in awe of her. Quite simply he can't get enough, and finds her utterly compelling and bewitching.

'The pair have spent a lot of time together in recent weeks and Madonna's chatted quite freely about her personal beliefs - especially Kabbalah.'

The source added: 'Madonna has offered to take him to the Kabbalah centre in New York and he is exceedingly keen to take her up on that.'

…She was was apparently so enamoured with the handsome Latino, she asked him to accompany her for the remainder of the South America leg of her Sticky & Sweet Tour."

Don’t worry, A-Roid, this is just publicity and Minge’s sacrifice to save your reputation.

We’ve figured out the two reasons Jesus has his name tattooed on his back:

1) In case he misses his school bus.

2) In case Minge forgets his name while she’s Kabbal-ing him.

On an upbeat note, he’s almost to where he can count his toes.

Also, we have realized the Kabbalah cult embraces lying, cheating, debauchery, greed, hypocrisy, promiscuity, soul-eating, betrayal and bleach blonde hair. And those are Minge’s positive qualities.

It’s near impossible to keep this crap updated.

“It’s Not Fair, I Give And Give And Give”

According to Daily News:

"Now that Alex Rodriguez has slithered back to his ex-wife, the Yankee slugger's reported paramour Madonna is furious.

'Madge is pissed!' reveals an insider, after A-Rod headed home to Coral Gables, Fla., in the wake of his steroid-use scandal. 'Alex ran right home to Cynthia, and to Madonna, this is the ultimate dis.'

According to our source, the Queen of Pop is mostly livid because A-Rod didn't come to her for solace.

'But Alex's handlers want to make sure he's as far from Madonna as possible," says the insider. "He has enough negative publicity as it is.'

No stranger to the spotlight, the Material Girl has gotten her fair share of attention lately by squiring Brazilian model Jesus Luz around NYC. But insiders insist her dalliances with the 22-year-old Luz — who's featured wet and making out with Madge in W magazine's March issue — are just for publicity.

'Madonna and A-Rod have been burning up the phones,' reports the insider, 'and she keeps on insisting that Jesus is just a PR stunt. Alex says he understands, and now he's asking her to understand that salvaging his career is his priority.'

The predicament has at least brought one upside to the slugger: Now that he's unable to focus all his attention on Madonna, she only wants him more. 'Madge is totally making a play to get him back,' confides our spy. 'She feels like she's losing him, but Alex is only with Cynthia for comfort. Plus, he's afraid she'll talk!'"

So the lesson here is if you have to cheat, try the “it’s only publicity” excuse. Of course she had thousands of other ways to go after publicity, but who are we to second guess the almighty Minge.

Others report Minge may take a break from her “War on Global Sperming” tour to deal with the problem of A-Roid being unfaithful, plus she’s a little miffed about having to switch from K-Y Jelly to Poli-Grip.

Something About The Truth (Makes It All Better)

"I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions."

-- Alex Rodriguez, with his ex-wife, Cynthia, by his side, admitting he took steroids - but using words that could just as easily apply to his affair with Madonna and Kabbalah - both of which were nowhere to be found now that he has to face the truth of his actions, on ESPN.

"No Woman's Worth, Crawling On The Earth"

According to TMZ:
 
A-Rod Irate Over Madge's Double-Pumping

"Madonna has been flaunting boytoy Jesus Luz all over NYC –- and her other, slightly older boytoy, Alex Rodriguez, reportedly ain't happy about Madge's swingin' ways.

'It's embarrassing for him because he and Madonna have been so publicly linked,' says a source of Frostytips to the NY Daily News. 'And now it looks like he's been dumped for a younger stud.' But amusingly enough, says the source, Madonna is telling A-Rod it's a 'publicity trick' to take the heat off their own romance.

A-Rod's and Jesus' age combined exceeds Madonna's by five years."
 
The Adventures of Dim-Rod and Minge By Joseph Nigro:
 
In effect Minge is saying 'I care for you so much that I'm willing to bang this twerp I picked up on tour in order to save our reputations and keep the heat off of you'. Wow, the self-sacrifice is dripping off the walls. We feel enlightened now, as we never before understood that altruism can leave a stain on the sheets.   
 
Although we're allegedly not as spiritually advanced as the superior NewAge Minge, we know Kabbalah-shit when we smell it (it's more pungent than everyday bullshit), so kids, pay attention in case you have a malignant narcissist of your own some day.
 
And to Dim-Rod we offer the following:
 
1) Minge, in giving that excuse for her pathetic and desperate promiscuity, is telling you she doesn't consider you intelligent in any way. It would take a special kind of stupid to buy into the "publicity trick"  crap.
 
2) She is trying to upset you as a control tactic. Not hard to see, as narcissists all work from the same playbook.
 
3) Dig out your old Frankie Valle record "Walk like A Man" and keep replaying it until you get it.
 
4) Apologize to your wife and kids.
 

A TMR NewAge News: SPECIAAAL REPOOORT!

"NYC nightlife transsexual extraordinaire Amanda Lepore, born Armand Lepore, is the latest somewhat famous person to release a perfume ... and is charging an arm and a third leg for the $950 Swarovski crystal-covered bottle." - TMZ

The only real question is how did they make his (her?) lips sooooo big? Well, for the best answer, we must turn to none other than:

TMR's NewAge News (For the Indiscriminate Fool)!!!

Here's TMR's own JOE NIGER to pin it down for us - what have you got, Joe?

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is JOE NIGER reporting, and my sources say, in a rare procedure, Armand Lepore's balls were hammered with a meat mallet and then implanted into Amanda Lepore's lips.”

Why that's fascinating, Joe! Do you have anything else for us?

“Well, from what I can gather, this technique has been used only once before when A-Rod - noticing he would no longer need his balls with Madonna - became the official donor for Shauna Sand.”

Wait a minute, Joe - you mean he actually put his balls in her mouth?

You betcha!

Wow - whoda thunk it?

Well, if that's all you've got,...

This is The Crack Emcee,...happy as can be!

And I'm JOE NIGRO,...reporting from Israel!

And you've just had another exciting installment of,...

TMRs NewAge News!!!!