The World Is A Ghetto (And You're An Absent Landlord)

Awww, how tragic - that guy Katy Perry used to be with who just killed a lady?

  He was a Scientologist:

One day on from the devastating news that Katy Perry's ex boyfriend Johnny Lewis is considered the only suspect in the gruesome murder of his landlady, an American website has discovered that the OC actor may have been heavily involved in Scientology - especially in its drug programme "Narconon". 

The actor even gave a speech at a Narconon event about substance abuse prevention in 2004 - just two years before he got together with Katy. At the time, Johnny was starring in a new show called Quintuplets, and the Church of Scientology appeared to use his prominence in the public eye as a means of encouraging others to participate in their drug rehabilitation scheme - not only posting his picture all over their website, but claiming that Johnny's mother used the Narconon principles to keep her son away from drugs. 

And it wasn't just his mother who was an active participant in the church - according to TMZ, his father, Michael Lewis, has not only reached one of the highest levels within Scientology, but he even wrote a film with the religion's founder L. Ron Hubbard in the early 80s. 

Unfortunately, the principles of Narconon don't appear to have worked - despite checking into rehab earlier in the year, law enforcement officials in Los Angeles have reported that they're "confident" Johnny was under the influence of drugs at the time of 81-year-old Catherine Davis' murder.

Awww, again - the principles didn't work? But how can that be? (They also haven't been working in some Oklahoma deaths, not that anyone cares,...) Isn't Scientology based on principles as solid as Mormonism's? You know:

Some guy shows up, claiming to be the shit, and then he lays down the law - which consists of taking everybody's money - and then the rest of the rubes say, "Boy, he sure does have a lot of money!" and let whatever happens happen?

No, that can't be true, because these educated Americans are SO ON TOP OF THIS CULT SHIT. It's not like they're just going to focus on a fucking song about this guy and be all flip and shallow about his death, when they've got me around warning them to go deeper all the time, right? Riiiight. They're sensitive human beings:

Two people are dead and there's just nothing that could've been done about it,...

 

"Are They Allowed To Lie? Here's A Tip: YEEEEES!!!!"

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Bad Romance? (Give Her The Kiss-Off Already)

So people are finally discovering the NewAge performance artist, Lady GaGa, sucks - just as we've always said:

The single arrives amid a mudslide of hype that has been oozing down Gaga Mountain for months. This was supposed to be a massive statement; an anthem for a lost generation; the first broadside from an album meant to establish the pop star as a significant songwriter. Instead, it’s a typical up-with-people anthem attached to a melody and chord progression as familiar as an old bathrobe. Ke$ha ("We R Who We R") and Katy Perry ("Firework") recently covered the same thematic territory. Lady Gaga’s refusal to push herself — let alone the envelope — feels borderline offensive.

(And speaking of offensive, this song includes one of the worst couplets ever shoehorned into a mainstream pop number: "You’re black, white, beige, Chola descent/You’re Lebanese, you’re Orient." You’re Orient? What the heck does that mean? Gosh, I thought the rap in "Vogue" was dumb.)

Told you so. And for the record, we were right about Kanye, too.

Congrats on wasting your time and money, suckers.

The Gift (That Keeps On Giving Me The Creeps)

Mark my words - the entire world of celebrity is now populated by crazy people:

"Katy Perry sang about kissing girls, and now she's talking tongues: In the new issue of Rolling Stone, Perry reveals that her Christian minister parents spoke in tongues when she was growing up.

The California girl, who has 'Jesus' tattooed on her left wrist, tells the magazine, 'Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as "Pass the salt." It's a secret, direct prayer language to God.' Perry, 25, adds that her dad usually speaks in tongues while her mom plays interpreter. 'That's their gift,' she explains.

Speaking of gifts, Perry reportedly bought fiance Russell Brand a $200,000 ticket to outer space aboard the Virgin Galactic for his 35th birthday.

But if Perry feels lucky to have found love with the British comic, she'll never admit it. In the Perry household, she explains, 'I wasn't able to say I was lucky because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn't like that lucky sounded like Lucifer.'

In fact, the quirky brunette reveals, 'I wasn't allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.'"

Yessireebob, she probably did. And it's nice, after all that religious talk, to see she'll publicly call her own mother a liar. (Hearing when people screw up their stories like that? That's MY gift.) I swear, it's like the crazier they are, the more committed we are to making them famous, when, the more famous they are, the more we should be trying to get their crazy asses committed.