Anything But Growing Up, Getting Real, And Treating Non-Believers Like They Have More Sense Than Your Selfish Dumb Meditating Ass

"Doing yoga, getting divorced, going to therapy."

-- Christian Lander, author and founder of "Stuff White People Like", on what white people like, for Salon.com

The article states:

"[Stuff White People Like] gently mocks the habits and pretensions of urbane, educated, left-leaning whites, skewering their passion for Barack Obama and public transportation (as long as it's not a bus), their idle threats to move to Canada, and joy in playing children's games as adults."

Here are a few further spot-on observations on the lunacy of "left-wing, upper-middle-class" - and cultish - white people:

[Bottled water is] all about ranking. It's essentially a contest.

[Environmentalism] is another way to claim superiority over regular-level, or subpar, white people.

[Apple, Ikea and Target are] one of the great contradictions of white people. For the most part, all the world's ills are based on large, evil corporations -- government corruption, American expansion through the use of corporate contracts, pollution, globalization, every bad thing that's happened. But if it happens with nice design, it's acceptable.

[If you point out you can see through their bullshit] you're going to really annoy white people. They do not need to be reminded. It's like with the Prius. It's not a good idea to remind Prius owners that the car still burns gasoline. That really pisses them off.

White people have the constant and unabiding need to feel as though they're helping, and because this gives them the ability to hold it over other people.

The whitest celebrities are Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Rosie O'Donnell.

The whitest movies are "The Royal Tenenbaums," "Garden State," "Donnie Darko," and "Fight Club." The problem is that whatever is liked by white people, advanced-level white people have to hate it, because it was popular. The advanced levels have to have some sort of French film in there from Godard. Some people need a Japanese film that hasn't been translated yet. You'll get some white people who are like, "I only watch silent film." It's difficult.

Food is another important area of competition, and being able to show up other white people. Some white people get their status based on how much they know about food, like expensive ingredients or foreign cuisine. Whereas other white people gain their status based on how many things they've cut out of what they eat, like gluten and sugar and refined things and dairy and meat, trying to reduce as much as possible.

But universally, throughout, shopping at Whole Foods is considered the best way to go - and organic "isn't even a question."

During the week for working white people, the expensive sandwich lunch is essential. Anywhere you will find a predominance of white businesses, such as advertising agencies, nonprofit organizations, hedge funds, there will undoubtedly be a store nearby that sells sandwiches that cost between $8 and $12.

Outdoors is just where white people want to be. From the time white people are raised, they're taught that being indoors is a bad thing, and that it's always better to be outside. So they're always on this constant quest to be camping or bicycling or eating outside, whatever it takes to get outside. The more time you spend outside the more credibility you have to dump on other people for not going outside.

Even if you're not outside, you might be wearing what you call outdoor performance clothes. White people need to know that if someone calls them up, and says: "You want to go camping?" they're ready at the drop of a hat. Bam, out they go. You could be in the Ikea, just leave the cart in one of the aisles, head up to some campsite.

White people love David Sedaris, because he's funny, and he lives in France, and he's gay. He's like everything you could possibly want in the ideal friend. Oh, he also writes for the New Yorker. He hits so many things on the list it's unbelievable.

There is such a strong belief among this type of people that you're right, of being unwilling to listen to anything else, and I think that's one of the things I'm trying to point out.

Shout out to David Levy for this one.