Madonna's Rocky Romances

Here are some highlights from Madonna's romantic past:

1977—While still living in Michigan, a teenaged Madonna has a brief affair with a young pizza delivery driver—the last time she would do anything spontaneous and uncalculated.

1985—Madonna's tumultuous love affair with noted Keynesian economist John Kenneth Galbraith finally ends after a loud public spat about the merits of heterodox institutional economics.

1987—Madonna makes Emo Philips a man.

1990—In a move that divides feminists, Madonna gives hand jobs to the first two rows of the audience at a Madrid concert during her Blond Ambition tour

1991—A disappointed Jose Canseco ends his relationship with Madonna after discovering that the pop star's breasts are not as conical as he was led to believe.

1996—Personal trainer Carlos Leon is summoned to Madonna's bedchamber, where he impregnates her with future daughter Lourdes before being immediately returned to the gyms of New York.

1998—Despite three or four very pleasant dates, things just never really click between Madonna and Omaha-based systems analyst Sam Biederman.

2004—Guy Ritchie and Madonna agree to separate as soon as Madonna has time.

The Onion