Don't Tell It Straight (When Somebody's Crooked)

Folks, every so often a story appears that can leave even an old hand at following spiritual beliefs shaking his head in wonder that any reporter in America would dare to try and play it straight. Try this for an opening gambit:

"Minister and licensed massage therapist Janae Thorne-Bird was disrobing at her healing center in January, preparing to perform her most sacred ceremony, the Ananda Nirvana, which is so much more than a massage. Bird was about to open the chakras, or centers of energy, for a new member of her church."

Getting a queer feeling down in the pit of your stomach yet? That sense you know what's coming, though you have no fucking idea what's in store?

I did. See, when I read that kind of paragraph, I instinctively think, "Oh, boy, here we go!" like in those Bud Light commercials. But, like I said, you have no idea. Let's summarize:

Good ol' "Minister and licensed massage therapist Janae Thorne-Bird" has been busted for touching a cop's dick. That's because "She believes that a person’s body is the only temple necessary to worship God and that it’s her religious duty to share her holistic medicine."

Uh-huh. How'd she figure that out? Well:

"She took a two-week trip to Colorado’s Windstar Foundation, the educational and conservation experiment founded by her idol, folk singer John Denver. [Her husband] Kurt went along, but spiritually, Janae was alone. Environmentalism, humanism, Christian Gnosticism, American Indian mysticisms and Asian spiritualism—virtually the entire New Age milieu was represented among Windstar’s guests, and Janae loved all of it. 'I was transformed. My heart chakra opened up to where it was a born-again experience,' she says. 'I determined, "this is my path." '"

Of course she did. That would be the "Thank God I'm a country boy" singer - and weirdo est evangelist - John Denver. Boy-howdie. "Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle", indeed, because - with that goofy haircut and glasses - I can't see how he was capable of convincing anyone of anything! But then, I'm not "spiritual".

But the good minister is.

See, Thorne-Bird was once a Mormon, and got herself into some polygamist hoochie-koochie with her husband and up to three other "wives" that "had great sexual energy together" - except for the jealousy thing. And I almost forgot about (another popular NewAge theme) the child that died because - like Jenny McCarthy and a lot of other NewAgers recommend - she didn't get her baby immunized.

Oopsie!

Anyway, Thorne-Bird eventually left that situation and started pondering, as NewAgers will, life's big questions:

"During a vision quest in the mountains of Higher Ground in 1998, not long before she left, she had a revelation that she was an ancient soul whose return to the Earth had been foretold by prophets past. She was told that her mission was to unite the world’s people in peace and love. The Lakota people of the Great Plains have a legend of a mystical White Buffalo Calf Woman who brought the tribe a peace pipe, a sacred tool. In Heart Wide Open, Janae’s 2010 self-published autobiography, she writes, 'Was I that White Buffalo Calf Woman? Or was I simply an archetype or perhaps even a wannabe?

Whatever the case, Janae felt compelled to pursue her revealed mission."

Yea - "whatever the case" - White Buffalo Calf Woman or not, she was going to plow ahead - and plow ahead she did, right until, somehow, a close friend got killed (how do these things keep happening to those around NewAgers?)

Then she met lots of sexual "creeps", and got associated with what American indians call a con man “plastic shaman”, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. At this point, I've heard this sad/evil story - including the dead kid - a billion times before.

Hell, I've lived it.

Long story short, the crazy bitch is in trouble with the law (for touching the cop's dick) and is now claiming she shouldn't be busted for prostitution because - are you ready for it? - she's sooooo religious! So religious, in fact, the rest of us just don't understand:

"It’s like Taoism. Once you try to define God, you’ve lost it. You have to experience it,' she said."

Yea - with her - um, naked.

For, like, $200.00 a session.

Funny, one of my best friends is a professor of religion - the Tao, specifically - and he goes to China every few years about it, but, somehow, he never mentions anything like this stuff.

He's also never killed people he loved, been associated with sexual "creeps", or “plastic shaman”, or got busted for touching a cop's dick for money, either.

But then, obviously, he's not a NewAger, so it must be he - and not "Minister and licensed massage therapist Janae Thorne-Bird" - that's got this "spirituality" stuff all wrong.

I'll have to tell him to work on that.