NewAge Medical Check-Up: You're Fine - NOW!

Jesus, Cameron Diaz is butt ug-ly without a make-up artist. (And she must be some artist!) But forget that shit - pay attention - because this is "important lifesaving information":

Anybody that's trying to talk you into putting coffee up your butt probably doesn't have your best interests at heart.

And - if it's some NewAge whackjob trying to get you to do it for money - tell them you know someone who'll do it for free and give us a call.

BTW - that's a real offer, but only if certain criteria are met:

1) We get to wear this get-up (above).

2) We get to videotape "the procedure".

3) We determine how hot the motherfucking coffee is.

4) Other than that, it ain't nothin' but a party y'all!

Also, we thought we ought to remind you that "progressive" Democrats only want their fellow Americans to have socialized medicine, like in Europe, because - as everybody knows - healthcare's "free" over there, and that means the quality overseas is just fucking peachy.

Really. That's it. It's got nothing to do with trying to attain power over every aspect of your lives. That's just conservative propaganda.

Now, get in the cattle car like you're supposed to,...

Hat Tip: iOwnTheWorld (Because, if they don't, we will)

Joseph Nigro - With A Celebrity Pledge Update

As promised, we’re keeping track of Demi Moore and her Merkin, Ashton Kutcher, so you can stay informed on “I Pledge” progress.

We’ve not noticed any recent uptick in freed slaves yet, and the only results so far of the Merkin’s pledge to represent his country with “pride, dignity and honesty” has been his threat to kill his neighbor.

Cameron Diaz’s pledge, “I’m gonna give ‘em a smile” (referring to a stranger) almost came to pass, but while attempting to do so, she became confused and walked into a pole.

We’re happy to report the stranger got away.

Gina Gershon has made no progress in stem cell research so far. She attributes that to being preoccupied with fighting rumors she was doing Bill Clinton, alternating with actually doing Bill Clinton.

Anyway, that's what we heard. More timely results to follow.

Joseph Nigro: We Pledge,...

TMR pledges to look at this photograph and know, with awe struck amazement, there’s nothing going on inside that head.

Her pledge: “I’m gonna give them a smile.”

How generous.

TMR pledges to stop picturing you on Bill Clinton’s lap and try hard to see you as merely irrelevant instead of sleazy and arrogant. In exchange, you will continue your stem cell research.

TMR pledges to watch in earnest as you free one million slaves. Does this mean you’ll divorce and set free your man-boy/lapdog?

TMR pledges to resist any notion that you represent this country in any way. Now go run to mommy so she can punk you.

TMR pledges to never forgive you for holding out on humanity. All this time you could have cured Alzheimer’s and yet you wait until now.