Joseph Nigro - With A Celebrity Pledge Update

As promised, we’re keeping track of Demi Moore and her Merkin, Ashton Kutcher, so you can stay informed on “I Pledge” progress.

We’ve not noticed any recent uptick in freed slaves yet, and the only results so far of the Merkin’s pledge to represent his country with “pride, dignity and honesty” has been his threat to kill his neighbor.

Cameron Diaz’s pledge, “I’m gonna give ‘em a smile” (referring to a stranger) almost came to pass, but while attempting to do so, she became confused and walked into a pole.

We’re happy to report the stranger got away.

Gina Gershon has made no progress in stem cell research so far. She attributes that to being preoccupied with fighting rumors she was doing Bill Clinton, alternating with actually doing Bill Clinton.

Anyway, that's what we heard. More timely results to follow.