NewAge Medical Check-Up: You're Fine - NOW!

Jesus, Cameron Diaz is butt ug-ly without a make-up artist. (And she must be some artist!) But forget that shit - pay attention - because this is "important lifesaving information":

Anybody that's trying to talk you into putting coffee up your butt probably doesn't have your best interests at heart.

And - if it's some NewAge whackjob trying to get you to do it for money - tell them you know someone who'll do it for free and give us a call.

BTW - that's a real offer, but only if certain criteria are met:

1) We get to wear this get-up (above).

2) We get to videotape "the procedure".

3) We determine how hot the motherfucking coffee is.

4) Other than that, it ain't nothin' but a party y'all!

Also, we thought we ought to remind you that "progressive" Democrats only want their fellow Americans to have socialized medicine, like in Europe, because - as everybody knows - healthcare's "free" over there, and that means the quality overseas is just fucking peachy.

Really. That's it. It's got nothing to do with trying to attain power over every aspect of your lives. That's just conservative propaganda.

Now, get in the cattle car like you're supposed to,...

Hat Tip: iOwnTheWorld (Because, if they don't, we will)