Iowahawk: 16 Tons

I'm posting this, partially, because it's such a classic song. Enjoy. If you can,...

Bill Whittle Pretends He Is Mary Katharine Ham (By Taking On Michael Moore) Using Iowahawk

This is becoming embarrassing:

Why those on the Right are lining up to debunk a fat fuck they know is no threat, and repeatedly doing it in forums where no one who might even remotely be influenced by him will hear them, is a mystery but - Hey - have at it, guys:

You're the smart ones.

The Naked Truth (Who Elected Oprah As God?)

The brilliant Iowahawk is twittering his way into the Charlie Sheen controversy - and he gets it:

Whatever Charlie Sheen's faults, +1 to him for refusing to provide the weepy apology the media nitwits seem to be demanding.

We've asked before and we'll ask again:

What planet are these people on?

Forcing someone to confess and apologize to Oprah Winfrey - when she's the one who popularized lying with the phrase "make your own truth" - is waaay weirder than doing drugs because you hate the kind of people that would force you to confess and apologize to Oprah Winfrey. (Does Charlie Sheen even know Oprah?) Who made Oprah Winfrey - or any other media figure - the vessel for our regrets? And why do you get off the hook by talking to them?

What's wrong with you people?

The Ref Calls For A Time Out

"Tales of the O-Cult

"Hail to the Victors"
A Special Message to the People of Iran
By Barack Obama

President of the United States"

-- Barack Obama, attempting to bunt on forth down, because that's the only way that We Will We Will Rock You to Iowahawk.

Kings For An Evening

"What a mensch this guy is. Total sweetheart. As soon as he was elected, he told me he would come to the negotiating table without preconditions. You know what 'preconditions' are? That's Persian for 'balls.' Barack, one look at the stars on the stage proves you still have a knack for community organizing. You've brought the entire evil community together, in the spirit of international dialog, to ask you one simple question: how does our ass taste?

(rimshot)

But not everybody has a sense of humor. When I was planning this roast, I sent invitations to every bigshot infidel TV comic in Satanland, but they all turned me down. Was it my holocaust one-liners? My ballistic missile schtick? Nope. These douchebags said they couldn't think of anything funny about Barack Obama. Not a single thing.

(scattered groans, boos)

Yeah, exactly. I mean what the fuck? Maybe I should get my SAG card, because, come on, this clueless pussy is the biggest gift to international insult comedy since Neville Chamberlain. Holy dung, when we heard the infidels elected him, I almost had to shut down my nuke program. My scientists were laughing so hard they kicked over half of our centrifuges!

(Ghadaffi sprays tea on Assad )

But, no-o-o, all these professional comedy dipshits keep telling me Professor Urkel over here is some sort of infidel sacred joke cow. I called up Letterman, and I'm like, Dave how about a couple Obama zingers for the roast tonight? He's like, 'no, no, too controversial. Everybody loves him.' And so I'm like, how about if I just insult America? So he's like, 'yeah, sure, that's fine.'

Okay then, here's one: man, that America is one stupid country.

(audience: HOW STUPID IS IT?)

It's so fucking stupid it elected Barack Obama.

Hey, hey. I kid because I love."

-- Shecky Ahmedinejad, displaying his comedy stylings at "The Barack Obama Celebrity Roast", on Iowahawk.

The Country's In The Very Best Of Hands

Look at it, people - look at it: this is the America you've created. And oh yea, before you start to laugh or feel superior: this blog stays so disgustingly snide because the rest of you are just being a whole lot of help,...

You may now go back to chanting "O-ba-ma!" or whatever other bit o' nonsense you've got in your heads this week. (You do love chanting, don't you? Tell us: Are you all potential Nazis or Hari Krishnas?) Oops, sorry. Was that "mean"? What we really meant to say was "Zeig Hari - Hope and Change! Save the planet - not your brain! March together - be not proud! Don't know shit - and say it loud! GO CULTISTS!!!!"

Whew! American Idol, anyone?

Conservatism Doesn't Need A Stick Up It's Ass

"I try to live by a code of manners and decorum that sets my little chunk of the world somewhere on the gentility scale between, say, a Henry James novel and a Judd Apatow movie.  But I also try to create art—which has nothing to do with decorum or manners, everything to do with brutal truth telling in whatever language you need. Art has to map out the entire city of life, not just its palaces and cathedrals, but its gutters, alleys, carnivals and cheapjack malls as well.

This is a website about our culture, right? At moments—like when Iowahawk tears up the joint or this RevoLucian guy practices a non-governmental Bale-out—it actually commits acts of culture itself. To which I say: Huzzah–or some word to that effect. Those of us who believe in the arts—whether in the form of South Park or the cantatas of Bach—believe that it’s the truth that ultimately sets us free.

What you do with your freedom—how you choose to behave and speak and treat your neighbor: dude,  that is entirely up to you."

-- Andrew Klavan, fighting the conservative language battle this blog has championed from Day One, but doing it on Big Hollywood.

There Muth Be Thome People, Out There, That Hath Grown Quite Dumb, Becauth - Oh - Look At How Blacketh Thou Ath Hath Become!!!

"'O people of Chicago, why do you shun me so?' he lamented.

'I have a bachelor’s degree and I am here to organize you.'

And then Obamacles heard from behind a voice of such fury and anger 
that he was frozen in fear for the very first time.

It was the Jeremiad, the fire-breathing Monster of the Pulpit, who roared:

'You stupid ass foo, it because you white!'"

-- Iowahawk, in his hilarious take on Barack and Homer, called "The Idiossey" (read the whole thing) in Big Hollywood.