Biff! Bam! Pow! CRACK! (The Sound Of Justice)

Now, Tea Partiers, since everybody wants to know what "the next step" is, here's some pure politics, served up ripe, directly from The New York Times itself:

"Not long ago, a team of researchers watched a 1-year-old boy take justice into his own hands. The boy had just seen a puppet show in which one puppet played with a ball while interacting with two other puppets. The center puppet would slide the ball to the puppet on the right, who would pass it back. And the center puppet would slide the ball to the puppet on the left . . . who would run away with it. Then the two puppets on the ends were brought down from the stage and set before the toddler. Each was placed next to a pile of treats. At this point, the toddler was asked to take a treat away from one puppet. Like most children in this situation, the boy took it from the pile of the 'naughty' one. But this punishment wasn’t enough — he then leaned over and smacked the puppet in the head."

That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh! That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I liiiike it, uh-huh uh-huh!

Yes, like the fall of the Berlin Wall, seeing the political Left getting popped upside the head is an event I anxiously look forward to. It's not enough for me to know their ideas have been debunked, or defeated, as their proponents walk away rich, famous, and their crimes forgotten - I want to see them destroyed - and their ears boxed, too.

Here's what I'd do with power:

I'd put Al Gore in the dock for treason.

I'd make sure Oprah Winfrey & Co. followed him for fraud.

I'd put The Family International cult in prison for child abuse, Scientology for racketeering, and anyone in The Landmark Forum, NXIVM, or even just claiming to be a "guru", would appear regularly on AMERICA'S MOST WANTED as a person with connections to Al Qaeda.

Anyone claiming to be a prophet, or a psychic, will be forced to live under armed guard on the island of Diego Garcia. (We won't really need the weaponry for this crowd: I'm just a sucker for imagery.)

Anyone caught doing something that used to be called "crazy" will automatically be sent to what is, once again, called "The Crazy House".

And anyone, of any color, found playing up an unnecessary racial/sexual/gay angle - on almost anything - will automatically be outfitted in a clown suit and make-up, a sign reading "I'm a lumberjack and I'm O.K." strapped around their neck, and then marched before TV cameras in the United States' first ever 10-year-long, 24 Hour, nation-wide, Post-Pride Perp Walk Parade, led by Al Sharpton and Charles Blow as they teach themselves to juggle - brought to you by the new MSFOXBC.

Feminists can only find work as the parade's trash collectors (everyone would have the right to tell Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow what to do "next") and those refuse trucks that do most of the heavy lifting?

They ain't nowhere to be found,...

Just as I never have to see this sickening spectacle again.

O.K., back to work:

Married? Committing adultery? Got caught? Great:

You and your "special friend" lose everything - and I mean everything - to your spouse, including the clothes on your back.

No caveats, no excuses, no questions asked.

Your dumb ass should've asked for a divorce first. If your spouse wants to give you your stuff back, or let you "see" the kids, fine.

I was only trying to help.

Recycling, yoga, and all non-prescription supplements would be outlawed. Generation X and Y would be drafted. Anti-vaccine kooks would be isolated and then (you guessed it) given dis-eases.

From India.


Oh, man, American foreign policy would be totally different:

I'd ask Israel who they wanted attacked, and then attack 'em. Just to do it. Just "because". Just for fun.

The Jews deserve some fun.

I'd invite Mexican diplomats over, to explain that Cinco de Mayo ain't a really big deal in Mexico, and it's stupid for Americans to celebrate it since we ain't Mexican or French.

How's this for a political policy: if France looks at us cross-eyed, one more time, they get nuked.

Yea, I know: I like it, too.

And France - with San Francisco's help, since it's the "Paris of the West" - must rebuild Haiti; Belgium must do missionary work in the Congo; and North Korea will fall under a CIA-orchestrated dictatorship, led by The Rick Ross Institute.

Actually, now that I think about it, Russia can have Madonna.

My treat.

And Rush Limbaugh would be allowed to run for president - unopposed.

If he doesn't want to do it, so be it, I tried.

Where was I?

Oh yea, doing what I love:

Claim you can perform miracles:

Automatic death sentence.

Are you a member of GreenPeace or the World Wildlife Fund?

Automatic death sentence.

Get caught performing quackery:

Automatic death sentence - with a move-to-the-head-of-the-line provision for homeopaths. (If there's cancer involved, in any way, your next-of-kin, or the youngest person in your family, gets treated as lab animals. Just try me.)

New rules:

If you want to live at work, you can live at work, as long as you work.

New history:

Barack Obama's presidency?

There was no Barack Obama presidency.

The Green Movement is described to history students as a continuation of the Nazis, and a further attempt to take advantage of us all; they were just starting with the Jews.

Of course, the Jews have to help us out a little, here. I'll scratch their backs if they scratch mine.

And Art is the new religion.