"I Would Never Be Involved In Another Séance Again"

“About 50 years ago Austin Wiggin Jr.’s mother gave him three predictions via palm reading: one, he would marry a strawberry blonde; two, he would have two sons after she died; and three, his daughters would form a popular music group. After the first two predictions came true, he forced his four daughters, Dot, Betty, Helen, and Rachel, into a band called the Shaggs, named after the popular haircut.”

ADDED - And still "better than The Beatles":

 

Not Well Red (But Extremely Well-Ridden)

Sigh. Does nothing ever change about NewAge - or NewAgers? Can't even one of them ever invent something useful? Will not one of them ever break the mold? Must they all be mental midgets?

To anyone wondering how Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has found herself in this latest ugly episode, I'll let Tina Brown clue you in to the key issue - and, keep in mind, this is from someone who "always found her a sympathetic figure":

"Her naïveté is almost deranged, but what can you expect? Like her onetime sister-in-law Princess Diana—but without Di’s pedigree or trust fund—Fergie left school at 18 and was educated for nothing except horsey infidelity in the shires.

She had a weakness for health quacks and palm readers. One of her favorites in the Diana years was the Greek medium Madame Vasso in North London, who provided a blue plastic pyramid in which Fergie sat to be cleansed and healed.

She was always nuts."

Say it with me: yes she was. Just "like her onetime sister-in-law Princess Diana,..." But, I ask you, how many people do you think ever bothered to inform Fergie she's fruitloops?

You know, like, to her bug-eyed face?

Isn't that what friends are for?

Didn't anyone (her family, the equally-crazy Elton John, a psychic or seer, or someone else that would be willing to sit in a blue plastic pyramid with her) ever consider that - if they were ever straight-up with Fergie - the poor dumb slut probably wouldn't always be popping up in these situations?

As I'm sure you know (because I've said it a billion-and-one times) I have an extremely hard time feeling sympathy for NewAgers because - as Fergie's latest muck-up proves, again - NewAgers mostly hurt those around them.

Like, what must her daughters be thinking?

Wait - they're pretty thick, too - nevermind.

Well, maybe look at Prince Andrew, who first had to suffer Fergie's (typically NewAge) infidelity, which led to their (typically NewAge) divorce, and, ever since, he has had to defend his honor - and is now also hoping to keep his job - all because his delusionally dense and (typically NewAge) over-sexed goof of an ex-wife was always too (typically NewAge) greedy, too (typically NewAge) arrogant, and too (typically NewAge) stupid to be believed.

And - before anyone writes in, trying to whitewash her, as they did Diana - let's not take the spotlight off of the adulterous suck-my-toes side of "The Duchess":

Yessiree, that's just the sort of imagery that always melts the heart.

Sarah Ferguson, you poor, poor thing.

And now that I've allowed myself to see The Real Sarah Ferguson again - and just like with my own NewAge ex - I'm growing tired of putzing around with this loony bitch, so let's get this over with:

Like most NewAgers, Sarah Ferguson is nothing more than another in our very-very-long line of stupid, ugly, immature, immoral, idiotic, two-bit celebrity whores, seemingly "educated for nothing except horsey infidelity in the shires."

Which, needless to say, she's already accomplished.

What's different about Fergie is - we now know for sure - like most NewAgers, she's living a little bit lower, and cums a little bit cheaper, than all the rest combined.

Sharing Ancient Wisdom (When No One Else Will)

"Whether it's separating tea leaves in a cup, jangling crystals, staring at hands or shuffling plastic cards with funny drawings on them, our search for answers is endless, and such daft methods of finding them can be addictive to naive or weak-minded people."

-- Sinead Ryan, introducing us to Keith Barry, recent winner of The Merlin Award - the equivalent of the Oscar in the world of magic - who is "fed up with phonies trying to make a quick buck and profit from the recession by masquerading as psychics and fortune tellers" (in other words, our kind of guy) in the Herald.IE.

All In The (NewAge) Family

"A woman who advertised herself as a psychic has been sentenced to two months in jail for bilking a customer out of $108,000, and the schemer's sister-in-law and mother-in-law have also been implicated, Santa Clara County authorities said today.

Lisa Miller, 27, convinced a woman who was down on her luck that she was cursed and needed "spiritual cleansing," prosecutors said.

The victim gave Miller $108,000 in cash and gift cards. Details of how the scheme was uncovered were not immediately available.

Miller pleaded no contest in September to one count of theft by false pretense.

A Santa Clara County judge sentenced Miller to two months in jail and five years of probation. The judge also ordered her to pay full restitution, of which she has already paid $61,000, authorities said.

Miller was also barred from ever again engaging in fortune telling, psychic readings, tarot card readings, love spell castings, palm readings and spiritual advising.

Miller's sister-in-law, Danielle Miller, 23, and mother-in-law, Lola Miller, 56, are facing similar charges. Danielle Miller will be in court Thursday, while Lola Miller is to be sentenced in January after pleading guilty in August to two counts of grand theft."

-- Henry K. Lee, reporting what TMR already knows, all too well, in the SFGate.

"Mars Needs Women" Is A Popular Song, And,...

“I’m happy to be on record stating that there’s no physical evidence with which we can work to make UFOs a real science.

Im really not interested in getting into debates over specifics,...I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to figure out whether one palm reader is better than another. I don’t see it as my job to debunk every single claim.”

-- Dr. Greg Boebinger, director of the National High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida (shown in tie-dyed 1996 and today) just doing what he can about cultism, in an article for Southwest Florida's Herald Tribune.



In dissing Boebinger for his rational position on NewAge beliefs, the idiotic columnist, Billy Cox, quotes the "visionary" wackjob, Terence McKenna (above) partially because "his words are frequently sampled at rave marathons."

TMR would like to add he's also blue. I know:

Big-fucking-whoop.

A True Event (Finding An Honest Psychic)

"3/31-4/14: Looking for psychics who won't rip me off.

No guessing games, NO asking bunch of questions for clues. No Astrology, Stones, Palm, anything similar. Do not ask me questions. A real psychic would know everything before asking questions. NO GENERALIZING!! BE SPECIFIC!

I can TELL if you're FAKE!

A GENUINE HONEST PSYCHIC, gives free readings whether for at least 20 minutes or longer! Give me 20 min worth of reading and if you're correct, ill trust you and may become your customer.

See if you know my past, of my past, and my whats going to happen within the next 60 days. And if you're correct within 30 days, ill hire you."

-- From an ad on San Francisco's Craig's List, listed under "events"

Intelligent Debate (If Not Design)

"I'll simply limit myself to pointing out a gigantic qualitative difference between Christianity and the various forms of fortune telling,...It is this: Christianity is an ethical system as well as being a religion, and the various forms of fortune telling are not. They offer no ethical guidance whatsoever.

Christians are urged to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and to try to model their lives on his. That means living for others and not for ourselves. If palm reading, tarot cards, clairvoyance, astrology, etc, have anything to do with morality it is only accidental. They do not urge people to try and live better lives. Instead they offer people a glimpse of the future, of their own future. They are all about the self, not others, and from a strictly religious point of view, they second-guess God.

Anyone who can't tell the difference between an ethical system like Christianity, and a sub-species of narcissism like fortune telling needs to come out from behind their own prejudice and expose themselves, dare one say it, to a little bit of reason."

- David Quinn, writing in Ireland's Independent.

Once you buy into NewAge, reason goes out the window, but you can close it using: