2024 Is The Height Of Human Existence (But The Lowest For Animals Overall)

 

 BRILLIANT: 

 "What's your name?" "Oprah."

HUMANS DON'T COUNT ONCE THEY'RE IN A CULT: 

Uganda's "Jesus" Chases Census Enumerators, Says His Sect Prohibits Humans Being Counted

COULD THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED? 

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' £315,000-a-year divorce after Scientologists 'moved into home' 

    

 THIS TURNS GHOST PEPPERS INTO MAYO: 

Indiana judge rules that tacos and burritos are sandwiches

NOT JUST KNEE DEEP - HE WAS TOTALLY DEEP - WHEN HE DID THE FREAK WITH ME: 

Michael Cohen says he used to be ‘knee deep in cult’ of Trump

JUST LIKE STARTING OVER: 

Trump's "God Bless the USA" Bible deletes women's voting rights and slavery amendments 

   

 WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING TEMPLE - WE DON'T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL: 

Hindu group, aiming to build temple, alleges discrimination by Henderson

BUT DID HE GET A TEXT BACK? 

Chad Daybell trial: Jurors hear jail phone call with Lori Vallow revealing texting her dead brother

CHRISY TEIGAN IS TEACHING NOW? 

University of California Professor Tells Student to Kill Herself

SPIRITUALITY BRINGS SO MUCH JOY INTO THE WORLD: 

One killed in Ogun cult clash, mob beats man to death

TMR JUST CALLS CATHOLIC CHURCHES "DAY CARE" NOW: 

Texas priest indicted, faces child sex abuse charges

DAD, ARE YOU REALLY "THE G.O.A.T." IF YOU ABANDONED A WOMAN AFTER YOU GOT HER PREGNANT WITH ONE OF OUR SIBLINGS YOU'VE NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE BUT - APPARENTLY - THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT? 

Tom Brady on Why He Wouldn’t Do Another Roast: “The Way That It Affected My Kids”

DON'T YOU DARE

Billionaire Gina Rinehart demands National Gallery of Australia remove her portrait 

   

 MEN PUT WOMEN ON TABLES AND MAKE THEM DANCE, RIGHT? 

ANOTHER NYC woman flashes her boobs at Dublin through video portal - as first one claims it was 'revenge' for cruel 9/11 taunts from the Irish crowd

 

CHELSEA KEEPS WONDERING ALOUD WHY THE PUBLIC FINDS HER REPULSIVE: 

Chelsea Handler says she’s ‘sexually attracted’ to De Niro: ‘I would like to be penetrated by him’ 

   

 IT DOESN'T PROTECT AGAINST STUPIDITY: 

Sales of raw cow's milk are surging because health influencers think it'll protect them against bird flu

THIS IS FOR YOU - TMR DOESN'T HAVE ANY SUPPLEMENTS: 

  What’s in Your Supplements? Scientists Uncover Hidden Ingredients and Questionable Claims

YET ANOTHER CHIROPRACTIC TRAGEDY FOLLOWING FOOLS NEVER LEARNING: 

Yet another case of vertebral artery dissection following cervical spine manipulation

YOU CAN TAKE THE CULTIST OUT OF SMALLVILLE BUT,...: 

Superman's hometown of Metropolis at war with librarians who parents say are pushing their religion on kids and stripping out any books about being gay 

    

THE ONLY PERSON LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE MISSED THE RISE OF TAYLOR SWIFT: 

Man who vanished aged 17 is discovered ALIVE in a hole after being held captive for 27 YEARS

I'd Call It "Speaking Truth To Power" But Morgan's Weak

POW! Right in the kisser,...

Whites Should Enroll In Classes For Racism & Restraint

My bad - they're obviously taken a course on racism:

Chelsea Handler’s offensive Oscar tweets are tip of the iceberg

But how to stop being racist? Naaah,...