Jailhouse Rock (And All That Comes With It,...)

While reading at the Althouse blog, it occurred to me that I've never heard a Lisa Marie Presley song, when she's supposed to be a recording artist or something. This one starts off promising, but then quickly degenerates into a mediocre meander, forgetting they've got a great guitar hook to lean on and falling back on that my-dad's-sleepy-eyes-are-now-on-heroin look instead. If The King's alive, as many still "believe," this'll explain why he hasn't shown his face.

I only ran across the song because Elvis' little girl is either a Scientologist or a former Scientologist (no, "normal" is not an option) and I needed something to prove all the super-expensive "training" those cultists go through doesn't make them perfect, "clear," or even any good. Plus, I didn't think you'd buy this headline without something else Scientology-related to make it plausible, and some crap tune called "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" (not to be confused with the classic BTO - thanks, CJ) seemed to fit the bill - here goes:

John Travolta 'tried to perform oral sex act on Grease co-star Jeff Conaway as he was sleeping'

I've mentioned this frequent homosexual "move" before (and apparently such behavior's fine with "gay" marriage activists who, I guess, will soon be demanding it take the place of getting down on one knee and proposing) so I'm thinking this story might contain a sliver of truth. It's certainly been mine. 

Scientology frowns on homosexuality, of course - seeing it as a defect caused by those bloody "thetans" and NOT one possibly caused by staring into Jeff Conaway's (or George Clooney's) eyes too long. L. Ron Hubbard was weird that way. Mitt Romney is, too.

Whatever the case may be, I say, as a way to help "cure" a fellow Scientologist, Lisa Marie Presley should immediately offer to let Travolta gaze into her precious peepers while she sings this song:

Because, if he's anything like me, it'll surely break him of all desire, for anyone, ever again,...

I'll Say It This One Time And One Time Only: Get Behind Me Satan (I'm Suffering Unrelenting Disappointment,...)

Carrying on in a slightly different vein than the last post, our totally debunked TV psychic, Derek Acorah, is still getting away with making unfounded declarations - which should be cause enough for each of us to bang our heads against something hard - while Elvis' daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, has finally removed all mention of Scientology from her official website, leaving The King's obese-karate-moves-in-a-jumpsuit period, his dying on the toilet, and Lisa Marie's "marriage" to Michael Jackson, as the only remaining indignities to his legacy.

Kidding!

I'm hoping Tony and Cherie Blair’s former "lifestyle guru," Carole Caplin, isn't lying when she says, "I started getting round-the-clock migraines. The pain was unbelievable and I couldn’t eat,…I couldn’t stop crying. I was disgusted with myself," because I've wanted her to suffer (along with her boyfriend, convicted con man Peter Foster) for many, many years now. Actually, I hope her inner trauma continues, and then, somehow, Tony and Cherie come down with the same symptoms, as it starts to spread and consume the entire NewAge Movement, striking them down like in the movie Contagion so, even if I'm not there, I will have already had the pleasure of watching Gwyneth Paltrow's face as she dies. Wait a minute, what am I saying? That's mean - I take it back:

Gwyneth Paltrow should die while using her own fucking colon cleanse. 

 But yes, still preferably in the presence of Matt Damon. 

Speaking of movies featuring cults and cultists, people are noticing they're a phenomena now, but without noticing the actions of cults and cultists in real life, which is weird. I'd recommend they read a book or two, but it hasn't helped Ann Althouse, so I'd be a fool to hold out much hope for anyone else. Ann's a lawyer and a professor, and (I used to think) they know everything.

 Oh well, the world is going to end in 2012 anyway, so what do I care?

Like John Edwards, I've got to get my affairs in order,...

My Ex-Wife's Quack Is Named "Wohlfahrt" - And This Quack Is Named "Butcher" - But The One And Only Real Name For Quackery Is "Death"

"The jury is still out on the Feline Butcher -- holistic health guru to such stars as Tom Cruise, Lisa Marie Presley and Queen Latifah -- who is facing 17 counts of practicing medicine without a license and one count of grand theft.

The jury's verdict could put Butcher's holistic health clinic out of business, but it could also put her behind bars. It would weigh heavily on the Church of Scientology, which is a big supporter of Butcher's anti-drug regimen for treatment. Butcher is an avowed high-ranking church member.

The trial for the faux practitioner came to a close Monday in Los Angeles Superior Court with numerous Scientology disciples present in the courtroom and the jury has been deliberating ever since.

Butcher, who has treated with holistic techniques other stars like Berry Gordy and Smokey Robinson, was investigated specifically by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department Halt Authority Task Force in the case of photographer Clive McLean, who died in 2005.


Mclean's widow, Erica McLean, says that Butcher, being a Scientologist, encouraged her husband to abandon chemotherapy in favor of a regimen of "vitamins and magic drops."

McLean, who was assisted by private investigator Paul Barresi, claims that the couple paid close to $120,000 on useless treatments. Barresi was a friend to Clive McLean as well, having been photographed by McLean for Hustler Magazine. Barresi turned over a cache of information about Butcher to the Halt Authority Task Force.

'I contacted Detective Kathleen Miller with the Halt Authority Task Force and gave her everything I had on Butcher and her partners in crime.' Barresi said.

In her first exclusive interview since the end of trial, Erica McLean told FBLA, 'The facts in this case speak for themselves. There were 99 pieces of evidence presented. Feline Butcher's partner, David Chuah, being the coward that he is, fled the country. But it is now up to the jury to decide.'

She added: 'It was a bad joke she (Feline Butcher) played on me and my husband. We played into her quackery. Her partner, David Chuah, who is still at large, invented some kind of cancer cure-all machine, right out of the 'Wizard of Oz', supposedly charged with a magic level of electrical frequency, we were told would dry up the cancer cells in Clive's body. Then he'd take a colonic to wash them away.'"

-- Dan Cox, on another quack with a messed-up name, for Media Bistro.

Proof: Scientology Is Phat! - Part II (Lisa Marie Presley)

Yep, that's Elvis' daughter. Here's Part I featuring, former Jennie Craig spokeswoman, Kirstie Alley.

And BTW - I just want to make clear - I ain't got a problem with fat people (I love fat people) just Scientology: The jigg is up.