“Because When I Do This My Hair Gets Sticky”

Sheryl Crow, in a desperate move to reclaim her hands and sex life, explaining why she purchased a $1.5 million dollar “Surrogate Elimination Droid” from door to door NewAge sales rep and guru Dawifrufli.

Dawifrufli , whose name in English means “Dances With Fruit Flies”, explains the droid works by a new process known as “Hyper-Quantum Telekinetic Elastic Waste Transfer”.

Essentially, Crow’s unique elimination aura is programmed into the droid, and when she has the urge to eliminate, the droid causes a teleportation module to transfer the waste across space and time to the droid for conventional processing, eliminating the need for Crow to wipe.

Said Crow, “I am very disappointed. I have tried this for a week and I keep wetting the bed and crapping my pants. My plan now is to sell this unit to Bono. That moron will buy anything”.