Marrying Into Cultism (Is The Way To Escape It)

"Imagine the boredom of being married to a fitness fanatic. Like any good Pom, Ritchie looks like he'd appreciate bacon and eggs for breakfast, and the odd lie-in, but Madge puts in three hours of yoga to start the day, followed by an hour of pilates. That's four hours of thinking about what?

Then there's tofu for lunch, and horse riding, martial arts, swimming or bike riding. And that's the day gone.

Eating with Madge would be a bore.

She won't dine out because of her strict macrobiotic and organic diet, so there'd be no romantic evenings with waiters playing syrupy gypsy love songs, and there'd definitely be no dessert. There'd be no glass of wine either, just strictly Kabbalah-blessed water.

Is it all worth it, to end up looking like a dwarf Mick Jagger with bad hair?

It's a question Ritchie must have put to himself a few times over the past few pussy-whipped years.

The trouble with crank dieters is that they insist on inflicting their food choices on others. Friends of Ritchie say he got fed up with having steamed fish and veggies every night of the week, and the way she inflicted zero-fat smoothies on him for breakfast.

And as for erotic compensations think again. Madge is reported to slather her body in costly moisturisers at night, and sleep in a protective plastic body suit so they soak well into her pores. There wouldn't even be holidays on tropical islands. Madonna won't let sunlight touch her skin for fear of wrinkles.

Finally, there's her religion.

Having renounced Catholicism, Madge likes to be called Esther, her Kabbalah name. Her insistence on having their new swimming pool filled with special water 'infused with sharing consciousness Kabbalah water manifests water's primordial capacity to heal and protect' goes the advertising guff was said to prompt the final act in their matrimonial drama. Ritchie insisted on plain old chlorinated.

The drama will continue.

With Madge demanding their children, on access visits, not read newspapers or magazines, not watch TV or DVDs, eat no processed or refined food, drink only Kaballah water, wear no manmade fibres, not be photographed with their father, and not play with toys that are spiritually or ethically unsound Ritchie will have a forceful opinion he'll want to express.

You'd hope their kids would at least have a decent Christmas, with all that money about, but they won't. Wouldn't you know it?

It's against her religion."