Twinkie Struggles With Unanswered Mating Call

Mark “Twinkie” Morford, a who-knows-what at the San Francisco Chronicle, reportedly is suffering greatly from his unrequited sexual obsession with Barack Obama.

Sources say his usual things, crumpled, damp photos, stained computer screen and even his vivid imagination do not help relieve him anymore.

Twinkie has acknowledged joining a special yoga class that teaches auto-fellatio.

“They teach you how to be limber enough to fellatio, and even tea-bag, yourself”.

Despite two trips to the emergency room, Twinkie remains optimistic: “I need to learn not to bite down”.