Making A Mess Of Your Life (And Other's, Too)

"I can’t say I’ve ever paid any attention to the idea that marriage is good for your health, any more than I consider the antioxidant content before I decide to drink a glass of red wine. True, perhaps; relevant, no. Last week’s research, though, on the association between divorce, bereavement and illness was so striking that perhaps we should all view our partners in a new light — as pleasant alternatives to diets, medicine and the gym.

American sociologists studying more than 8,000 middle-aged people have concluded that losing a spouse is so stressful that it often causes permanent physical damage, even for those who go on to have happy second marriages. The divorced or widowed not only suffer a higher level of depression, but 20% more of them develop chronic health conditions such as cancer, heart disease or diabetes. They also have 23% more problems with mobility — such as climbing stairs. Those who remarry see a slight improvement in their health, but they are still far more likely to become ill than those who stay with their original companions.

The researchers believe that the shock and disruption caused by the ending of a marriage can cause such anxiety that it damages the immune system, making it easier for chronic diseases to develop. Linda Waite, one of the report’s authors, said: 'Think of health as money in the bank. Think of a marriage as a mechanism for "saving" or adding to health. Think of divorce as a period of very high expenditures.'

One thirtysomething divorced friend is entirely unsurprised by this finding. Her marriage was wrecked by her husband’s heavy drinking and his transfer of all responsibilities to her. She says she lost all sense of him as a man and no longer had any respect for him, even though she still felt concern. There were no children to complicate the issue. Eventually, leaving seemed rational. Even so, she was completely unprepared for the psychological and physical impact of splitting up.

For the first year she felt utterly fragmented and lost. She couldn’t work effectively. She was constantly exhausted: 'It was like sleepwalking through madness.'

It turned out that her marriage was central to who she thought she was and was the tentpole around which everything else hung. Every relationship shifted and every friendship felt precarious. She knew that she and her decision were being publicly criticised and discussed. When you’re in a marriage, she points out, there is a veil of privacy over your marital life that is respected. When you split up, that is torn away and you feel naked and defenceless. Two years later she had a breakdown and it was months before she could work again.

What makes my friend unhappy now is that she feels she had to take all the decisions about whether to stay in the marriage, or leave it, almost in a vacuum. What she kept wanting to know, in the years when she was in it, was: is this a normal degree of dissatisfaction? Do other people live with this? Is this as good as anyone could hope for, or should we split up and look for more? She couldn’t ask friends those questions precisely because other people’s relationships are kept so private. Counsellors seemed to think it was their professional duty not to offer any value judgments.

Nowhere else in our lives are we expected to take momentous decisions in such ignorance. We don’t know enough about what to expect from a marriage, or from a divorce. Too often we are confused by two glib myths: that marriages will automatically be happy and, if they aren’t, divorce will bring happiness instead.

One of the reasons we know so little is that the whole issue of relationships, family and marriage has become so politically embarrassing and divisive that any discussion of it risks being seen as taking sides in an argument between social liberals and conservatives. This government, in particular, has been scared of appearing to support marriage in case that is seen as an implicit criticism of other people’s choices."

-- Jenni Russell, admitting something else I knew all along - that this "progressive" divorce culture, my ex-wife, and her friends (all single - and single-minded - stupid, and insecure) were trying to kill me - in The Times Online.

I've written so much on my shock, over discovering how little anyone else cared about saving my marriage, that I hesitate to write any more on the subject. (You're just going to have to click the tags below.) This idea of being "non-judgmental" definitely played a destructive part in it (though, apparently, everyone's very-judgmental, now, about the man that eventually resulted from it - but what did they expect? Society let me down, in the most crucial episode in my life, and I was going to be in love with them for it? Talk about barmy!) everyone was merely concerned that I "move on" after my other half was gone, like I was a zebra who was supposed to start frolicking after losing part of my body to a lion attack - an attack initiated by those closest to me. People are too fucking much!!!

One thing people don't take into account is how whole communities fall apart when there's a divorce. Friendships die, businesses fail, and society gets filled even further with the walking wounded. I know I'm more wary, of almost everyone, than I've ever been before in my life: I just don't want to hear the crazy shit that comes out of people's mouths - almost always defending doing the wrong thing - to explain why they cheated, or are thinking about cheating, someone, somehow, some day.

If you're one of those people who thinks that a 50% divorce rate is a good reason to consider it, you need to consider something else - and it's probably the most important question nobody else will be brave enough to ask:

Exactly how fucked up are YOU?