The Fact So Many Love Her Is Just Extra Gravy

Oh boy.

First it was the scientists. Then it was Newsweek Magazine. And now it's The L.A. Times, but, still this crazy bitch doesn't listen. She helped bring about the era of "Hope & Change", but - more than any conservative on the planet - it's she who refuses to change the most. Listen:

Dear Ms. Winfrey:

I get it.

I understand why you have so many guests on your show offering advice about health. I'm not a fan of alternative medicine, but I know sensationalism sells. Stuff that stands up to scientific scrutiny often lacks the pizazz that makes for scintillating television.

And just because I'm not into aligning my chi or awakening my Tony Robbins giant within doesn't mean other people don't have the right to seek alternatives to modern medicine. I know you are interested in presenting the millions of people who watch "Oprah" with different options.

However, I'm concerned that some of the people you have had as guests on your show and highlighted on your website may have led you astray when it comes to your own battles with weight, a topic about which you've been admirably frank. For instance, it might be a good idea to get advice from a doctor who doesn't say things like many women develop thyroid problems due to "an energy blockage in the throat region" that develops over "a lifetime of 'swallowing' words one is aching to say," as your frequent guest Dr. Christiane Northrup writes in her book, "The Wisdom of Menopause," which you discussed and endorsed on your show.

You're not known for swallowing words, are you?

You seem to have an affinity for the Law of Attraction — the idea that your thoughts "are sent out into the universe" and "magnetically attract" your desires, as Rhonda Byrne explains in her bestselling book "The Secret" and discussed on your show — but I don't think you believe that you can achieve your ideal weight just by thinking about it.

Shut up, bitch. This is Oprah Winfrey we're talking about. She believes in any damned thing that can be pawned off on her gullible followers for a buck.

To paraphrase George W. Bush, that's what a cult leader does.

There's no point in trying to reason with her. She's rich and you ain't, and that's the only metric that anyone in the world has given a damn about for the last 25 years:

Fuck that lady who got killed following Oprah's advice.

Fuck that girl who got raped by going to Oprah's school (wait - that didn't exactly come out right. Whatever: Oprah said it probably wouldn't have happened if she had spent more time interviewing the staff and less time picking out the sheets and curtains - well, yeah.)

Fuck all the relationships she's destroyed by promoting negative feminist "spiritual" bullshit with no point but to make charlatans rich.

Fuck everything, because nothing else matters except she's rich and you ain't, and that's the only metric that anyone in the world has given a damn about for the last 25 years.

Stupid thinking person. Leave Oprah alone so she can make enough money that, after she finally finishes taking you NewAge idiots for a ride, she can continue stuffing her fat face in peace.

Jeez.