We Can't Win (For The Losers We're Stuck With)

This isn't intentional, we're sure, but there are some days when we read Glenn Reynolds and all we can do is give him the Picard face palm.

Like when, during the Tiger Woods fiasco, he posted Frisky articles by hookers (?) that were supposed to give us enlightenment on how to maintain relationships. WTF?

They could've just wrote "Pay Me."

Or like,...well, yesterday, when Reynolds put a Hot Air Reader Poll up, stating "Fiscal issues trump social issues by … quite a lot." right behind another Frisky article (?) by Susannah Breslin called "30 Things I Wish I’d Done Before I Turned 30."

So what's the problem? Well, from where we sit, it's pretty clear that what we, as a nation, have been doing and thinking socially obviously informs how disastrously we've behaved fiscally. Our financial house wouldn't be in this shambles if our politicians - and our people - weren't so fucking foolish with our beliefs, time, and money. Or, put another way:

It would've been impossible for Bernie Madoff to do what he did if all those people, (pretty much all Democrats) who started off in life so much richer than we did, were ever thinking clearly. (Isn't Reynolds practically bragging he put $100 down on a Nissan Leaf and ain't got shit to show for it? Real fucking smart,...)

Here's three things on Breslin's Frisky list that every reader of TMR knows gets our goat:

18. Been More Spiritual.

22. Figured Out Who I Was.

23. Mastered Yoga.

Gawd. Every one of them an Extreme Time-Waster, a sign of a barren intellect, and a Guaranteed Money-Sucking Machine.

Don't know who you are, Miss Breslin? Here, let us help:

Look at the name on the article - it says, "Susannah Breslin" - there, figured it out yet, you fucking dip?

Is it any wonder we can't get our economic house in order when the writers hired (or, in the case of Glenn Reynolds, self-elected) to inform us can't even make the simplest of connections and/or have such warped priorities? How are Americans supposed to get out of this recession when so many have got their heads stuck in their navels trying to be "More Spiritual"? What-in-the-fuck is being "More Spiritual" anyway? We'll tell you what it is, it's becoming this idiot:

And, as far as "Yoga" is concerned, Oh Susannah, find a fucking chair and bend yourself over it - Ta Da! - you've now entered the wonderful "spiritual" world of stretching, you fucking moron. You're welcome:

We just saved you years of time and tons of money.

Now, we're sure, both Breslin and Reynolds (if they're bright enough to care) are asking themselves, "Well, who is this to be saying we don't know shit?" It's someone who had already accomplished 20 of the 30 things on that stupid fucking list you two find so ripping important in a recession - and did them by the age of 30 - that's who.

Listen, telling our politicians to stay away from social issues is smart. The last thing we need is more San Francisco-style halting of Happy Meals or the Mayor of New York determining how much salt we eat or where we can play chess. The same goes even more for the dips in Washington - we can handle it, folks.

But, by the same token, the last thing the rest of us need is to be engaging further in any more useless "spiritual" endeavors that bleed our wallets and do nothing for our national well-being. If you want to blow money and feel good about yourselves, then here's what you do:

Find someone less fortunate than yourself (and fuck this "volunteering" shit, like your punk asses don't know anyone, personally, who's not doing as well as you are) and GIVE THEM SOME FUCKING MONEY! HELL, DONATE TO THIS BLOG IF YOU FIND IT TOO DIFFICULT TO FIND A FRIEND IN NEED: THERE'S REAL PEOPLE - MINORITIES EVEN - ON THE OTHER END OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN, RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLES - GIVE US SOMETHING! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU FUCKING BRAIN DEAD? OR ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP HIDING BEHIND THAT "TALK NICE TO US WHILE WE WATCH YOU STARVE" BULLSHIT?

You wanna know what we wished we had figured out by the time we were 30? How many dumbshits there are in the world, who they are, and how much damage they'd have been able to cause by now, that's what. Because it certainly wasn't us who turned our economy or our society into a shambles; it was people who thought like these two self-satisfied back-scratchers, that's who. And now they want to give guidance to the rest of us on how to get out of it? Puh-leaze!

If you ask us, an apology - for ever getting the rest of us into this shit - would go a hell of a lot further, right now.