You Are No Longer In Good Hands, Star Child

Guess which insurance company will never get our business?:

Illinois-based Allstate Insurance said its analysis of car accidents related to astrology found Virgos were the most likely to crash vehicles.

The company said its comparison of 2010 claims data against the revised astrological calendar found Virgos were involved in 211,650 collisions last year, 700 percent more than the 26,833 crashes involving Scorpios, the safest drivers on the zodiac calendar.

Allstate said Ophiuchus, the "new" sign added in the revised calendar, was the second-safest sign for motorists, followed by Cancer, Aquarius, Libra, Aries, Capricorn, Gemini, Sagittarius, Pisces, Taurus and Leo.

The insurance company said signs associated with "compassion," "graciousness" and "resourcefulness" were found to be the least likely to be involved in accidents while those described as "uncompromising," "arrogant" and "impatient" were more likely to crash their cars.

It's funny, but they never consider what reading nonsense like this does to driving habits. For instance, we're now upset that any insurance company could be this stupid, and feel that, if we pass an Allstate office, we might have to restrain ourselves from driving our car into their front window. But what if - because of our sign - we can't restrain ourselves? What then?

We're going to blame Allstate - and the fact we're a not-so-safe Pisces - 100%.

Because it's so friggin' obvious they control everything.

Hell, once we've got all that "uncompromising," "arrogant" and "impatient" stuff out of our systems, they might even lower our rates!