Perspiring Minds Want To Know

Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann met today to discuss the basics of manhood.

After a couple of awkward moments, they both got confused and separately wandered off.

“Because When I Do This My Hair Gets Sticky”

Sheryl Crow, in a desperate move to reclaim her hands and sex life, explaining why she purchased a $1.5 million dollar “Surrogate Elimination Droid” from door to door NewAge sales rep and guru Dawifrufli.

Dawifrufli , whose name in English means “Dances With Fruit Flies”, explains the droid works by a new process known as “Hyper-Quantum Telekinetic Elastic Waste Transfer”.

Essentially, Crow’s unique elimination aura is programmed into the droid, and when she has the urge to eliminate, the droid causes a teleportation module to transfer the waste across space and time to the droid for conventional processing, eliminating the need for Crow to wipe.

Said Crow, “I am very disappointed. I have tried this for a week and I keep wetting the bed and crapping my pants. My plan now is to sell this unit to Bono. That moron will buy anything”.

Are The Doers Cleaner Than The Watchers?

ABC News is excited about porn. At least excited by the "fact" that conservative and religious states have the highest levels of porn usage in the country. This, ABC says, is according to a study by Benjamin Edelman at Harvard Business School. Yes, it's another one of those dime-a-dozen studies.

ABC trumpets the bare "facts" in its February 28 piece titled, "Porn in the USA: Conservatives Are Biggest Consumers." In its first few paragraphs the report claims that, "Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious" than states in the more liberal areas of the country. But there is a problem with ABC's heavy-handed claim. Even the Harvard researcher doesn't put too much emphasis on the "conservative states" aspect because his data doesn't show a very wide gulf between states, conservative or not.

In fact, professor Edelman takes pains to say, "When it comes to adult entertainment, it seems people are more the same than different." This tends to relay that the rates from state to state really aren't that notable. Edelman also says later in the piece that, "The differences here are not so stark," where it concerns the data he compiled. NewsBusters

The esteemed professor used up a lot of space just to end up saying “never mind”. But he could have made this story very telling.

We contend that the performers (the doers) of porn are overwhelmingly, if not entirely, liberals.

So if the professor’s claim was true, and let’s pretend it is for arguments sake, then he has a backfire on his hands.

Consider your choice of whether you would rather:

Actually eat a shit sandwich while being filmed

or

Watch a film of someone else actually eating a shit sandwich?

We thought so.

Not The Party The Burning Men Were Planning

"Fiscal responsibility is the new counterculture,...There is, as the old ’60s song goes, something happening here. And what it is, is very clear: A grass-roots revolt against the culture of entitlement."

-- Michelle Malkin, on the various political "Tea Parties" that are erupting across the country, and being covered in places like Michelle Malkin.com.

Shouts out to Pete "The Skeet" Campbell for the heads-up!

An Open Letter To Nancy Pelosi

Dear Nancy,

What the hell is wrong with you?

Sincerely,

TMR

Anatomy Explains Loonies

This is how a brain normally sits in the head of a normal human.

This it how it sits in the head of a NewAge and/or liberal human.

This is a NewAge/liberal brain after believing cult claims for one hour and twenty minutes.

Bin Laden Grateful

Osama Bin Laden expressed his “heart-felt gratitude” to President Obama for sharing the U.S. plans to leave Iraq.

Bin Laden released a statement saying:

“As you can imagine, running an operation such as mine is very costly, especially in these hard economic times we all share.

President Obama has my heart-felt gratitude for sharing his plans and allowing us to save thousands of man-hours and dollars in making our strategic plans.

It is co-operation like this that will help us all get through this global economic crisis.

Death to America”.

Focus, Focus, Focus

Update: Sheryl Crow Has A Bad Dream

Get This Mangina Off The Planet

Well, the San Francisco Chronicle's Mark Morford out does himself with sycophantic, hyperbole over his Obammessiah, today, February 27. He so revels in hero worship for The One, it's amazing that the White House doesn't feel compelled to get an order of protection against this creepy columnist.

No one in the Old Media is more sold on The One and less credible for his girlish crush than Morford. He is a fount of mush as he wonders if he should be scared of today's problems or suffused with lust in his heart for Obama (if you'll remember the Carterism). “It goes something like this: Do you allow yourself, even now, to feel any sort of ongoing, relieved, merciful joy that Barack Obama actually is sitting in the Big Chair in the White House? That this elegant, articulate, Zen-like man whose integrity is rock-solid and whose ideas, while certainly not in perfect alignment with every ultra-lefty vision on the planet (clean coal? Please), are astonishingly ambitious and brave, is leading this nation during one of the worst economic times in its short and paroxysmal history?”

One would expect such gushing from a teenage girl writing to a teen idol, not a grown man talking about a mere politician.

Seriously, Morford wasn't finished...

“It's a bizarre choice indeed. The good news is, the Obamafied bliss is still out there, still swirling, still waiting to be supped like a fine digestif. At any given moment you can, if you so choose, pause in whatever it is you're suffering from and hear that voice and see his visage or perhaps merely hear some pundit say the words "President Obama" out loud, and you can still enjoy that delicious chill, that little jolt that says, "Oh my God, did we really do it? Is that lucid, impeccably centered man really the leader of the free world?"

-- Warner Todd Huston, NewsBusters

OK – This is the point where it doesn’t matter what your politics are or who you voted for.

This is not journalism, it’s not reporting, it’s not commentary, it’s not observation.

This is the perverse ramblings of a masturbatory freak recounting his orgasmic fantasies. It’s not hard to picture this poofer lying in bed in his Obama Under Roos (the custom type with the built in seaman cup so he doesn’t have to get up in the middle of the night) crying out for his savior at the just right moment.

The recent news is the SF Chronicle will be sold or closed. Geez, we wonder why.

There is a third option, if the egos running this porn-shop/newspaper will pull their heads out of each others butts:

FIX IT.

For openers, get rid of Mark Morford. Show us some hope. It’s good for the paper, and Morford can get on with his true calling in the drama-queen gay-porn film business.

Where does this vulgar sleaze end?

Ain’t That America

The New York attorney general's office has subpoenaed Bank of America Corp. seeking the names of Merrill Lynch executives who received $3.6 billion in year-end bonuses, after Chief Executive Ken Lewis failed to provide those details during a lengthy deposition Thursday evening.

So the lefty, liberal, loony self-esteem movement has produced it’s first long-term results.

Wall Street people have raked in billions in bonuses despite the fact their performance resulted in catastrophic failure.

As you may recall, the self-esteem movement regarded self-esteem as a right that exists for the sake of it’s self, and should not be earned or tied to any accomplishment.

The creepy loons that high-jacked the education system began eliminating failing grades on report cards in favor of various levels of OK, and promoted any student to the next grade simply for showing up.

The fact that Johnny graduated high school without accomplishing anything was now secondary to not hurting his feelings by telling him, or correcting him. And you’d better not deny him.

Johnny, unfortunately for him, had praise heaped on him for simply waking up in the morning, and that became the framework for Johnny’s warped entitlement: “Hey, I woke up this morning so I deserve anything I want”.

The inventors of this stupidity then used it on themselves, as evidenced by California, a state on the verge of collapse thanks to a death grip on the legislature by liberals.

California ranks near the bottom of the country in academic achievement, but the teachers rank at number one in compensation. A whopping 35% higher then the number two.

And in bizarre fashion, the teachers union, who along with the prison guard union control the liberal legislature, paralyzed the state’s budget process with unyielding demands for increases, despite a 43 billion dollar deficit.

Important safety tip: California produced Nancy Pelosi.

The great fallacy promoted by the creepy left is that low self-esteem is the cause of much of our crime. Well, there have been a number of large scale studies of the prison population that have concluded criminals have very high opinions of themselves. It’s self-esteem run amok.

And it all started with this: “What a wonderful bowel movement, Johnny, we’re gonna put that one on the refrigerator”.

Guy Ritchie Calls Out The Evil-Doer

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have been putting on a united front in recent weeks for the sake of their children.

But behind closed doors the relationship between the divorced couple is said to have become so bad that the film director can't bear to say his former wife's name.

The 40-year-old has been referring to his former wife as IT and is said to have given her the less than flattering nickname even before there split, according to reports.

'Guy will say, 'Oh, It's in a bad mood today'. Even towards the end of their marriage, he would call her It. He told people, 'We can't make It angry'.

'There is absolutely no love lost between them,' a source is quoted as telling The Sun.

And it seems that the 50-year-old’s first husband Sean Penn is siding with his pal Ritchie over the break-up.

When Madonna congratulated the actor after his Oscar win for Milk last week Penn, who was married to the star from 1985-1989, is said to have responded, ‘Thanks. Another kid already?’ referring to the singer’s 22-year-old beau Jesus Luz.

The Daily Mail

We’d like to thank Sean Penn for his rare moment of clarity. To show our appreciation, we’ll lighten up on him for a week or so.

Learn from this folks. If someone who has tried to love you is reduced to referring to you as “IT”, you’re fucking up as badly as a human can.

We think a more descriptive name for her is “Minge”, for two reasons: One, it goes with her monogrammed towels and two, it’s perfect for someone who has a leather feedbag for a vagina and is one of the nastiest people on earth.

Of course, she’s proud of that.

It's Believers Who Make Spirituality Impossible

"I can’t see any reason why such miserable, unhappy, vicious, stupid, conniving, greedy, narrow-minded, self-absorbed beings should have immortality."

-- Philip José Farmer, the late science fiction writer and author of “The Lovers” (about a man seduced by an alien with an unusual reproductive system) in The New York Times.

Hat Tip: Althouse