Minge Nails, Then Drop Kicks Jesus

Madonna has ditched her toyboy lover Jesus Luz and told fans on Twitter that she's glad to be single again.

The 50-year-old singer, who is due to adopt the little girl she has wanted for nearly two years when she flies into Malawi this weekend, joined her manager Guy Oseary on the micro-blogging site for a 10-minute chat with supporters.

One fan wrote: 'Hello Madonna honey am glad you are single again - you made your best music as a single woman,' to which Madonna apparently replied: 'Not as glad as I am.'…

… According to speculation, Madonna dumped model Jesus after Malawian officials questioned the appropriateness of her dating a man almost half her age. The Daily Mail

Malawian officials may also want to question how casually disposable people are to her.

We hear Minge replied to reporter's questions by saying “Jesus Schmesus, there’s plenty of sperm, er… ah…fish, yea that’s it, fish, in the sea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm very busy buying a human being."

Important Safety Tip: Not even Jesus is safe from the Evil Mighty Minge.

You Ain’t Seen Nothing Like The Mighty Minge

Minge met with her some-times side kick, Buttmunch Goop, in an attempt to recruit help with her “War on Global Sperming”.

Sources say the talk then veered off to reminiscing about how they both moved to London to be with their husbands.

Minge said that in light of her divorce, she would be putting her English accent up for sale on EBay. Goop replied that she would be keeping hers “a bit longer”.

When asked later if she was successful in recruiting help from Goop, Minge said “Well, Buttmunch tends to be a spitter, so what good would that do?”

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun

A baby boy has been born with two penises in Russia

The child, named only as Artyom G, was born two weeks ago after a normal pregnancy in which medics did not detect any problems.

But he has now undergone hours of complicated surgery at St Vladimir's Children's Clinical Hospital.

The boy was rushed from his maternity hospital to the specialist Moscow clinic where he underwent the length operation to join the two penises.

"The surgery was complicated. We had to form one penis out of two, make the abdominal wall and create a bladder," said a doctor involved in the five hour operation.

"When our colleagues asked for help we said yes immediately but we couldn't imagine the case would be so complicated."

According the The Sun, the hospital said that the baby is now in good health and the surgery a complete success.

"He will grow into a normal man and be able to have kids," the doctor added.

In June last year, a baby was born with a second penis on his back.

The baby was born to farmer dad Li Jun, 30, and his unnamed wife, who live in Hejian city in central China's Henan province - the rare condition is called fetus in fetu (FIF). Telegraph.co.uk

In a related story, Madonna, speaking from the Tijuana leg of her “War On Global Sperming” tour, vowed to sue the hospital that performed the surgery.

Minge said “They never gave me a chance to get there before the surgery. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and they ruined it for me. I couldn’t imagine Paris Hilton topping that, and now it’s gone for good”.

Minge Offers 2009 Commemorative Urinal

To commemorate her environmental “War On Global Sperming”, Minge has commissioned production of her self-designed Sperm Urinal, it was disclosed today.

In a press conference Minge claimed “Like the Obama plate and cup, this is destined to become a valuable collector’s item”.

She described the urinal as “a faithful replication of my anatomy, actual size, and accurate right down to the labia - except for the four holes in the side”.

Minge believes this can be an effective weapon in her “War On Global Sperming”, as she explained:

“Now anyone with $749.87 can experience exactly what it’s like to be with me.

Men can use this for temporary, manual storage until I can get to them and process the sperm personally, and they can earn semen offset credits”.

Minge, claiming she had a rough and busy night saving the environment, ended the news conference by saying:

“I hope those fucking polar bears appreciate this effort or I’m gonna go up there and slap the shit out of them”.

When asked if she thought the polar bears themselves could be contributing to global sperming, Minge looked suddenly dreamy-eyed and whispered “Whatever”.

Minge Asks For Federal Grants And Bailout Money

Exhausted from her “War on Global Sperming” tour, Minge has asked the Obama administration for $380 million dollars in grants and bailout money because of “errors in the research that predicted the amount of sperm in the world”.

In recapping her results, Minge said “I have only gotten to 457 guys so far, and it’s almost as if they can keep making it as fast as I can take it in. In a way it’s demoralizing, like there will be no end to it. I have this stuff running out every orifice I have.”

When it was suggested to her that it would do no harm if she were to abandon her plan, Minge glazed over and mumbled “Whatever”.

Hey, Who Counted The Ice?

From the National Snow and Ice Data Center:

"As some of our readers have already noticed, there was a significant problem with the daily sea ice data images on February 16. The problem arose from a malfunction of the satellite sensor we use for our daily sea ice products. Upon
further investigation, we discovered that starting around early January, an error known as sensor drift caused a slowly growing underestimation of Arctic sea ice extent. The underestimation reached approximately 500,000 square kilometers (193,000 square miles) by mid-February. Sensor drift, although Infrequent, does occasionally occur and it is one of the things that we account for during quality control measures prior to archiving the data. See below for more details."

This information was immediately transmitted to…

…Madonna, who is currently deep into her “War On Global Sperming” tour.

Minge issued an immediate statement saying “Well, I guess I have a lot of do-overs to get through”.

When it was suggested do-overs may not be needed, Minge replied with “Whatever”.

“It’s Not Fair, I Give And Give And Give”

According to Daily News:

"Now that Alex Rodriguez has slithered back to his ex-wife, the Yankee slugger's reported paramour Madonna is furious.

'Madge is pissed!' reveals an insider, after A-Rod headed home to Coral Gables, Fla., in the wake of his steroid-use scandal. 'Alex ran right home to Cynthia, and to Madonna, this is the ultimate dis.'

According to our source, the Queen of Pop is mostly livid because A-Rod didn't come to her for solace.

'But Alex's handlers want to make sure he's as far from Madonna as possible," says the insider. "He has enough negative publicity as it is.'

No stranger to the spotlight, the Material Girl has gotten her fair share of attention lately by squiring Brazilian model Jesus Luz around NYC. But insiders insist her dalliances with the 22-year-old Luz — who's featured wet and making out with Madge in W magazine's March issue — are just for publicity.

'Madonna and A-Rod have been burning up the phones,' reports the insider, 'and she keeps on insisting that Jesus is just a PR stunt. Alex says he understands, and now he's asking her to understand that salvaging his career is his priority.'

The predicament has at least brought one upside to the slugger: Now that he's unable to focus all his attention on Madonna, she only wants him more. 'Madge is totally making a play to get him back,' confides our spy. 'She feels like she's losing him, but Alex is only with Cynthia for comfort. Plus, he's afraid she'll talk!'"

So the lesson here is if you have to cheat, try the “it’s only publicity” excuse. Of course she had thousands of other ways to go after publicity, but who are we to second guess the almighty Minge.

Others report Minge may take a break from her “War on Global Sperming” tour to deal with the problem of A-Roid being unfaithful, plus she’s a little miffed about having to switch from K-Y Jelly to Poli-Grip.

Oh - Wow - Did You Say Global ‘Warming’?

In Madonna rumors, feeling a little spurned by not being included in the "I Pledge” jerk-fest, Minge decided to act on her own by embracing Al Gore’s, as she put it, “War on global sperming”.

Minge, never one to shy away from a challenge, vehemently vowed to “Rid the world of sperm, one penis at a time”.

Reportedly she has confided to close associates she will “Save the planet, making a huge personal sacrifice by ingesting all the sperm in the world”.

When it was pointed out to her that Al Gore’s war was on global warming, and that she may have misunderstood him, Minge, looking a little blank, said “Whatever”.