Saturday, November 29, 2008

O.K., I'm Admitting It: Sometimes, I Miss My Wife

I've got this weekend off, so I'm trying not to blog, but this damn obsessive-compulsive disorder has still got me looking at shit, so - call me weak but, since my NewAge wife ain't around to "take the tension off" on a Sunday, as it were - here's a quick round-up of the weirdness that I think is worth mentioning. (Remember: the red words are links, too.) Let's start off with:

"The medical astrologer is usually not a licensed medical practitioner, such as an M.D., N.D., D.C. or D.O., since most medical astrologers evolve out of the field."
Will somebody please contact that asshole, "Dr." Robert Wohlfahrt, and let him know this? He might be deciding it's time to "move on" right about now,...seeing how he's medically "evolving" and all.

"'What do you mean by that?' [Tom Cruise] asks in a sudden flash of anger,...for the remaining 45 minutes he talks almost without pause, in rambling sentences which don't always make sense."
This is normal cultish behavior for a Scientologist, before they go into full-on, whacked-out "I did the E-Meter today - How YOU doing?" mode.

"Rosie Live failed first on simple execution. The patter with guests was forced and the improv moments even worse (at least, I hope that the zillion Rosie's cleavage jokes were not planned). The staging was off, with lurid, deathly lighting that gave the show a creepier vibe than Alec Baldwin's using Rosie's boobs as a microphone had already."
Left-wing, luridly-lit, over-the-top lesbian humor, featuring a bunch of Obama boobs with a "creepy" vibe? How did it miss? And would you accept a blowjob from this woman? Is Rosie O'Donnell even a woman? Look at the picture again.

"...Patients receive nutritional supplementation with vitamins, minerals, trace elements, and animal glandular products 4 times per day on days 1-16, followed by 5 days of rest. Courses repeat every 21 days until death,..."
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's now time for me to present (the less weird part of) the very-weird, coffee enema, Gonzalez Therapy: the very first NewAge cancer "detoxification" program I've ever seen with a truth in advertising clause!

"Chronicled at every turn by the tabloids, [Steve McQueen] had been treated at a Mexican clinic with unorthodox methods: prayer, vitamins, coffee enemas and laetrile, a controversial preparation made from apricot pits."
No word if "Dr." Gonzalez got his start in Mexico with this crap,...

"What struck me was the fact that it was obvious from the expressions on the headstones that the children were loved."
Yea? Well, what struck me was you're looking at headstones to tell,...

"Jim Jones was a hero to American leftists,...the temple was as much a left-wing political crusade as a church, what if he abused children, sodomized a follower, tortured and held temple members at gun point, and defrauded the government and people of welfare and social security checks? He believes in socialism and so do we. That was the ends-justifies-the-means attitude that enabled Jim Jones to commit criminal acts in San Francisco with impunity. The people who should have stopped him instead encouraged him,...Jim Jones engendered enormous amounts of good will from Democratic politicians and activists. They allowed their political ambitions to derail their governing responsibilities. Frisco pols like Harvey Milk never seemed to care how Jones could, at the snap of his fingers, direct hundreds of people to stack a public meeting or volunteer for a campaign,...City Councilman Milk just knew that he benefited from that control, and therefore never bothered to do anything to inhibit the dangerous cult operating in his city. Instead, he actively aided and abetted a homicidal maniac. It wasn't just local hacks Jones commanded respect from. He held court with future First Lady Rosalyn Carter, vice presidential candidate Walter Mondale, and California Governor Jerry Brown,...A man who killed more African Americans than the Ku Klux Klan was awarded a local Martin Luther King Jr. Humanitarian Award and won the plaudits of California lieutenant governor Mervyn Dymally, state assemblyman Willie Brown, radical academic Angela Davis, preacher/politician Jesse jackson, Black Panther leader Huey Newton, and other African American activists."
Some things never change around here. Have you seen Sean Penn as Harvey Milk yet? Neither have I. Why not? I've got a feeling it's a whitewash of the Democrat's history.

"Alan Scherr was an art professor with a comfortable life in the Maryland suburbs, but he spent 25 years studying Transcendental Meditation in a quest for something more. The search took him and his family to Virginia's Blue Ridge Mountains, where they shed their old life in Silver Spring and meditated in the complex of a New Age mystic."
Um, all I'll say is this tale ended recently - in Mumbai, India - and it didn't turn out very NewAge-y or peaceful,..

"The most obvious and embarrassing explanation is taboo and blasphemous: That [Barack Obama] is a masterful politician who never has had any real ideology or persona other than his own diversity story and history, youth, and charisma that together allow him to be whatever is politically expedient at the time."
Now y'all hush with all dat hand-wringin': dat dere White Man said it, I didn't! I'm still trippin' 'cause he da president-elect and don't look nothin' like them dead mens on da dollar bills!!

"Here in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where I’m spending my holiday and where there is always lots to be thankful for, this commercial for a Barack Obama commemorative plate has been airing constantly on television. My in-laws (life-long Democrats) and I were already laughing out loud by the time the announcer says 'his confident smile and kind eyes are an inspiration to us all.' Seriously, that’s what it actually says. Operators are standing by."
Yea Buddy, we're all "standing by",...waiting for our fucking blowjobs from these latest "operators"!

"Alot of my patients are fed up with drugs. They’re tired of having no choice but to take a pill for every problem. They ask me, 'Can’t we try something more natural first?'

I got my M. D. 25 years ago. And since then, I’ve prescribed a lot of drugs. I’ve also studied homeopathy and nutrition, so I can give my patients something more natural."
And then this M.D. hands them a duck that will gently quack them to sleep,...forever. Nice cartoon boobs, huh? All natural.

"Homeopathy. I suspect that people who take such remedies believe they are being scientific."
And your dumb ass (and I'm being nice here, in case I can get a blowjob out of it:) referring to homeopathic preparations - as "remedies" - has absolutely nothing to do with this fucked-up situation, right? Do you people see what I'm up against? Damn it, instead of that bitch looking at a lousy slide of water, I could be getting a blowjob right now!

"So maybe you can’t afford health insurance. Even if you can, maybe you just don’t like going to the doctor all the time. In 21st-century America, there are plenty of alternatives to the 15-minute appointment, followed by the whopper bill.

In coming weeks, they will appear in this column. 

To take them in historical order, we’ll start with homeopathy,..."
I got this bit from a San Francisco newspaper I "recycled" from a trash can - then I violently threw it back in, so someone else could "recycle" it. Have you seen the sales stats for newspapers lately? They're practically homeopathic!

"I have a cold (and they're worse than you remember when you're well). Throughout the nation, homeopaths and self-declared nutrition therapists are celebrating,...Now I'm going to dangle some goat entrails around my neck and get chanting."
Why, Mrs. Robinson, I think you're trying to seduce me!

"Does this legacy qualify George Bush for Mount Rushmore? Probably not. But it does promise the 43rd president a gentler treatment from history than he has received from his contemporaries."
Damn it: I want George W. Bush on Mount Rushmore,'s either him or me! (But I'll settle for a blowjob!)

"We believe that -- 'we' means the political elite -- that all cultures are equal. I believe this is the biggest disease today facing Europe. . . . We should wake up and tell ourselves: You're not a xenophobe, you're not a racist, you're not a crazy guy if you say, 'My culture is better than yours.' A culture based on Christianity, Judaism, humanism is better. Look at how we treat women, look at how we treat apostates, look at how we go with the separation of church and state. I can give you 500 examples why our culture is better."
And never once would he have to mention homeopathy,...

"70 percent of all blacks said that they voted for [Prop. 8]. But 75 percent of black women did. There weren’t enough black men in the survey to provide a reliable percentage for them."
'Cause, as long as we gettin' blowjobs, nigga, we just ain't givin' a fuck!!! (Yes: that is the best Hip-Hop voice I can muster at the moment because - as I'm writing this - I'm consumed with getting a blowjob,...)

Whoa - this is bad - so here's two final quotes I lifted this week from Little Green Footballs:

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free."
P.J. O’Rourke

And - hello! - there's also this:

If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice."
— A Chinese Proverb


1 comment:

  1. I like..What do you mean by that?' asks in a sudden flash of anger,...for the remaining 45 minutes he talks almost without pause, in rambling sentences which don't always make sense..